mood

type type type enter

backspace backspace backspace

letting my fingers form the words

that my brain cannot construct

but still nothing came out

backspace backspace backspace

and i start again;

start to think of right words to use,

to write—this unfathomable feelings

i am trying to suppress but still

backspace backspace backspace

until i no longer able to write

type type type

i don’t know what nonsense words i typed

but still i type; typing all these words

thinking if i let my fingers type,

it will create something—

something that can define

what i really really feel right now

backspace backspace backspace

until all the word that i typed was gone

backspace backspace backspace

and i am done.

i have a feeling

that things are going well right now. aside from not having episodes of being sad for nothing and well, thinking that all the odds are against me, but something good happened last night and i didn’t expect it.

you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will never ever judge you, even though you made the worst thing in the world. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will make you realize your mistakes and not blame you for doing that, thus he will makes fun of you because of the mistake you’ve done. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who knows you more than anyone else, a person who can distinguish your true emotions behind your laugh, or even when you don’t say a word, they already know what you want to say. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who can ride with your jokes and silly games and at the same time, talks about serious matter about life and other things. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will hang out with you all day and buys you a tub of ice cream when you need it. and if you already found a person like this, treasure him/her because they are one of a kind.

well, i have this friend. i considered him as a best friend back in high school and we lost in touch because some things happened. for two years we didn’t talk, we said things to each other out of anger and disappointment, and at the same time, he moved out of the country with his family, that’s why we never had a chance to talk about what happened and get things right and i thought i will never be able to talk to him again.

i am shookt lol. literally shocked, that’s my initial reaction. i really didn’t know what or how to reply. imagine after not talking for two years as in no message or even hi or hello and all of the things we said to each other, it took minutes for me before i realized that he really messaged me, saying that he missed me. and the craziest, awkward part is i  just replied “uyyyyyyyyyyy” with a crying emoticon pa! gaaad.

i won’t talk about the rest of our conversation, but i am really really really happy that we are okay now and he actually said sorry for not talking to me for two damn years. hahaha. i understand him on the part of not talking to me because i know i somehow i hurt him, even though it was not really my intention.

i really value friendship over everything that’s why i felt sad and guilty of what happened between us. i have few real friends that are really for keeps and i am so lucky to have them in my life. ❤

 

4 days with toffy💕

after 5 looooong years, we got to see each other again. if i remember it right, the last time we saw each other was when we’re still in university, and that time we barely see each other that much though we’re in the same campus. 😂 funny that we didn’t even plan seeing each other this time, but i am beyond happy that we got to catch up and do fun things together again. it’s really true that it’s better not to plan things because it will surely happen.

from a 3-hour drive from manila, she stayed here in pampanga for 4 days; that 4 days were full of stories and catching up–from boys to rants and about life and future plans. we never ran out of stories and chikas to share. she never changed, she’s still that talkative and funny and crazy girl that i know. 😂

i already shared some of the things we did from day 1 & 2 here, and now i’ll be sharing where we went in her day 3 & 4 of her stay here in pampanga. i am really excited to share this with you guys!💖

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there’s a mini falls located here called dara falls, and for about less than an hour walk from our house, you can go and see the beauty of it. she’s into mountain hiking and that sort of adventures, that’s why we decided to tour her around a little. though it’s just a small one, she was so ecstatic and giddy and excited. you can see in her eyes, right?

we enjoyed the water and took a lot of pictures (i already pick the good ones because most of it are stolen shots, imagine what our faces look like 😂) that’s all we did on her day 3.

luckily on the last day of her stay here, my boyfriend’s mother decided to have a quick getaway. they planned to go swimming in poracay and they tagged us along. i, myself, got excited because it was my first time there. fyi: it is a well-known resort here in porac, pampanga. there’s so many swimming pools and other activities that you can experience: there’s zipline and kayak (paddle boats). also, there’s a man-made lagoon where you can rent a kayak.

before anything else, KILAY IS LIFE. 😂

my sister brought her waterproof eye brow kit, and you know the drill: kilay first before swimming. LOL. and after that, we walked around first to take pictures and whoa, we never thought that it was really a big resort. but still, we enjoyed it even we got burn under the sun because we captured a lot of photos to be posted in our instagram accounts. hahahaha 😂

to wrap up everything: i am so happy that she enjoyed her stay here in pampanga. even if it was a really short time, we got to catch up everything and we got more closer than before. she said that she would like to come back and stay here again. 😂 we already decided to have our samgyeopsal night when she comes back and i am super excited for that.

one step backward, two steps forward

we always makes mistakes, that’s normal; it makes us more human. we don’t need to blame ourselves and others for our mistakes, thus we make it as an eye-opener to be a better version of ourselves. we sometimes ignore the lessons learned when we make mistakes, and because of that, we make the same mistake again.

before, i always step backward, stayed there for a very long time and never move forward. i always took my time to devour all the mistakes i have done, savored all the bitterness and self-pity and hatred came from it and never realised that i was becoming a miserable, wasted human being.

i made myself to be in the state where i was so in denial, confused, full of hate, always pity herself and build a wall where not everyone can enter. not until i felt alone — i started to isolate myself, thinking that if i did that, i won’t make any mistake, but i was wrong.

i always step backward when i should step forward. i should step forward, and forgive myself for my own mistakes and learn from it. i should never take a step backward and put myself in that miserable state when i just need to have two steps forward, accept my mistakes, and feel better. take a step backward to see the image of yourself — on how devastated, miserable you were when you keep on blaming yourself with that single mistake, then take a step forward to release yourself from that blame, put away all the blame aside, think of all the things that will make up for that mistake and do it. that’s the right thing to do.

maybe we can take a step backward, take that step to make yourself realize all the wrong things you’ve done, then after that, don’t forget to take two steps forward; to freed yourself from all the blame and make up for that mistake; that will make you grow as a better person.

always remember to take a step forward.

it’s 1:27 a.m.

and i am still wide awake.

i just want to sleep now

but my eyes won’t allow me.

bothered and feeling uneasy,

why am i like this?

the only thing i want is

to have a good night sleep.

note to self

i know that you have so much regrets in the past, and that you can’t go back in time to change any of it. but i just want to say that it’s okay, you are still okay and you’ll be okay. but

i wished you were strong enough that time, strong enough to make your own decisions and not get easily swayed with a single word; that you had the gut to say whatever it is in your heart, whether if it’s right or wrong. i know it has been hard for you to keep all those words to yourself and all those misunderstandings and shortcomings. now, i am saying this to you: don’t be afraid of what others might think or say about you. it’s more important to open yourself up, say what you really want to say, may it be an opinion or an argument and even if others might don’t understand you, at least you have said what you really wanted to say.

i wished you got to experience life more, though there’s more. i know you wanted to please everyone around you before, that’s why you acted upon their approval and forgot to let yourself to had fun. i know it was your choice too but what i am trying to say is, i wished you go out more with your friends, had your sleepover and movie nights. i know you always say no because you always think of what your family would say. you don’t want them to be disappointed, that you only think of was their expectations. but you see, i think what you did was so selfish. you were being selfish on yourself. you never let yourself to live life and you focus more on other’s opinion, but the truth is, you forgot to have your own opinion on yourself. now, i am saying this to you: YOLO: you only live once so make the most out of life. you don’t want to regret all the things that you should have done so start now.

maybe you think that it was too late but it’s not. you have more time in your hands. you are still young, and there’s more adventures and trials yet to come along your way but you’ll be fine, i promise and i believe in you. you just need to open your eyes in all possibilities and just do what makes you happy. also, don’t expect too much — on life in general.

you deserve to live a happy life!

the smaller circle, the better

They say that change is the only constant thing in the world, that not everything will stay as it is, same as people as they come and go. I never came to this realization not until I entered college. That time, I thought I knew who were my true, real friends (or maybe I am still in the process of knowing who’s real or not).

I am a people-person back when I was in high school, like I knew every faces in my year (and higher year). It was not like I was famous lol but it was not really so hard to know all of them because I was enrolled in a private school since grade school until I graduated high school, and we had only 3 to 4 sections with maximum of 35 students per class, that’s why. Because of that, I know most of them and became my friends. I really thought that all my friends that time will remain my friends until now, but obviously that’s not the case.

Not until I entered college, most of the people I know (and considered as my friends) lost in touch little by little. I know that it’s normal, that eventually we we’ll meet new people at some point, but you see, I am very sentimental and I valued friendship over everything.

Right now, I am happy with my friends even if it is just a small circle. Even if we don’t see each other that often and just only talk over chat, we know in ourselves that we have each other’s back when someone needed it and I think that’s what’s important. I won’t be needing a bunch of people who are not sincere and true and prefer a few who’s been always on my side and keeping it real.

You see, I made this post because a friend from Manila went to visit me here in Pampanga — three-hour drive. And I was super happy because after 5 LOOOOONG years we got to see each other again. She’s staying here until Sunday and it’s her 2nd day today. I know there’s more stories to tell and fun things to do yet.

Let me share to you guys some of the things that we did (more of selfies) since her arrival. HAHAHA!!!

• we cooked and we didn’t know what we’re doing. We tried to make a pancake but we don’t know how to flip it right. XD
• make-up session with my sister (and a mini photoshoot)
• more chika and catching up
• watched Ji Chang Wook’s Fabricated City and Healer (we are now on episode 5)
• We are planning to go to a small waterfall here and to capture more pictures!!! 😀
• And go swimming before she go hiking in Tarlac.

Okay, consider this as a appreciation post for her. ❤ ❤