so I haven’t posted anything last week because because… I was busy being lazy—MEH. but but BUT!!!! the whole week has been pretty productive too when it comes to my K-DRAMA list ~haha~ and ~obviously~ chores chores chores.
I finished re-watching the taiwanese drama: it started with a kiss and they kissed again while I download the k-drama called blood starring ahn jae hyun and ku hye sun and another t-drama: fall in love with me but haven’t started it yet. I really really REALLY want to watch while you are sleeping already but it is still on going and I want it to be completed first before I watch it because I really really REALLY hate waiting (lol) but I can’t wait anymore because there are a lot of spoilers on IG and yes I already watched some clips BUT I HOLD M Y S E L F BACK—FOR THE LOVE OF MY BB LEE JONG SUK. <33
another thing that made me busy is my two baskets of laundry and still counting. I. HATE. LAUNDRY. I. HATE. LAUNDRY. I. HATE. DOING. THE. LAUNDRY. unluckily, the washing machine is broken so I need to hand wash all our clothes and my hands are now sore and red and my skin is peeling because of some kind of irritation and I have wounds too. T~T I don’t know if that is because of the detergent or is it just because I am thin-skinned.
oh journals, I almost forgot about it. I am enjoying writing in my journals since the day I started it again because it keeps me sane (should I say that? haha) and it totally clears my head so it helps a lot. I already bought another notebook just in case.
AND LAST, I HAVE THIS APP called lingodeer—an app which help me learn korean. HA! but seriously I decided to self-study the korean language because my brain feels like it is going to rust anytime soon. ofc I chose korean because I am kinda obsessed and addicted to korean dramas lately (LATELY huh??) which I think will be a great help while watching. the app offers chinese and japanese lessons too and you can download an offline learning which I really like so that I can have the lessons even if I have no wi-fi. ok, just sharing. bye! =))
so yea, that’s it. here’s a sort of a little update and just to let you know that I am still alive and kicking.
yes. sometimes there are things that we get used to but these things can keep us alive or sometimes the other way around. we just need to accept it whether we like it or not; it’s part of life and it is inevitable, right? but I wonder why such things, of all the things that matter, just easily fade away. is it about the timing? or the space that we are in? or both?
I just dont know. I don’t know at all.
but I still believe that there’s a right place for everything. maybe not now or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. but soon, I am sure. when everything falls into place; without complications, hindrances and other rocks that will block along the way.
I think I became another person since I moved here in Pampanga. I don’t know how or when, but it feels like I am living inside another human being that is totally opposite of myself when I was still in Manila. I never go out of the house, mingle with other people or even just attempt to talk with the neighbors—I am not like that before. it was like I built another wall between myself and the outside world, for what? to get away from the people, to mouthfuls of issues and rumors I can’t get hold to anymore or I just want to be with myself—simple as that.
I got used to the feeling of being alone. it feels good to be alone and not to think of others but my brain is contradicting me, betraying me with thoughts I should not welcome. I keep on saying that I should ignore all of it and just live with it but still, it affects me in so many ways. but
I miss having friends. I miss talking to another person face to face. I miss having to catch up with a friend and talk for hours until we ran out of stories to tell. I miss going out with friends—movie nights and food trips. I miss the feeling of comfortable silence and just begin to laugh about nothing. I miss the way we laugh over a corny jokes. I miss everything I have back when I was still in Manila.
but things are different now.
cats and dogs are like babies to me. they are like fur balls that wash away all the stress I have everyday and I am so thankful for their existence. I really have a soft spot for them that I think I am not good at taking good care of them. I get so emotional when they get sick, I get so emotional when they really like the food I give to them, and I get so emotional when I lost them. it hurts me as bad as, or much more rather, than a relationship break-up. I hate feeling that way. and as much as I want to take home all the stray cats on the street and feed them, I know I can’t.
today I woke up to a sad news. after a long day of finding my kitten yesterday, I found her this morning, cold and lifeless. my heart crushed into pieces and just cried in my room. I’ve been crying since the day I lost her. my poor mimi. </3 gosh, tears are coming out, again. I am so mad, so mad, that people are so cruel. I keep saying to myself that it is much better if someone found her and feed her that everything’s going to be okay because my mimi is so sweet and adorable and people will really like her. but this morning, I feel like I am wronged. I hate it. I really hate my neighborhood. this is not the first time. I also had a kitten before, but our neighbor found it but never returned it to me and you know what they did? they gave my kitten to the kids playing around their area and they know that I was looking for a kitten but they gave it to the kids anyway. I AM SO MAD. cats and dogs have feelings too.
I think I am not going to have a cat for a long time from now on. I hate myself. I’m a bad mother. I really really love cats but I think I am not ready to have one right now. I am emotionally not ready.
you have no idea how much thankful I am having you in my life. though sometimes we have our petty fights or me being such a brat, but, gosh, I feel like I don’t deserve all the love that you are giving to me. you are always the one to understand, or should I say, you are the one to put a lot of patience in this relationship and for that, I am beyond thankful for your mere existence.
I thank God that I met you. maybe we are total opposite but opposites do attract, right? we learn to appreciate each other’s flaws and differences, and it may be tough sometimes but that’s what makes our relationship much stronger.
I love you and everything about you. don’t you ever forget that!
words really aren’t enough. I may not have a romantic bone in my system but I will keep saying this: I love you and that you should know this by now. even if I get mad at you over nothing, or if we have petty fights over little things, please know that I won’t get tired of you. I feel like I should be the one to say: I hope you won’t get tired of me. I only want to make plans with you and ONLY YOU.
Happy birthday, habibi.
I love you.
I wasn’t feeling okay.
it was 10 p.m. when we went to bed. I was still okay that time but few minutes later, when he was about to turn off the lights, I don’t know what triggered it, but suddenly I found myself crying. he asked me what’s wrong but I, myself, didn’t know what’s wrong with me. I felt like choking with words that I should, at least, utter to him like some sort of explanation but tears drowned me instead. and we were suddenly quiet.
I don’t know what he was thinking and the silence was deafening. maybe he’s feeling uncomfortable again, like the last time. but seriously, I can’t find the reason why I was like that. then he talked. I was right. he asked me if I hate him, if I don’t love him anymore with a tone as if he done something wrong. then I cried harder. he just enveloped me with his arms, there’s another silence but that time I find it comfortable.
here I am again, overthinking over things I should not think of in the first place but I just can’t shoo them away. I am so selfish. I am so mean. I am so unfair. maybe sooner rather than later, he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. I hope he’ll not get tired of me.