hi,

you have no idea how much thankful I am having you in my life. though sometimes we have our petty fights or me being such a brat, but, gosh, I feel like I don’t deserve all the love that you are giving to me. you are always the one to understand, or should I say, you are the one to put a lot of patience in this relationship and for that, I am beyond thankful for your mere existence.

I thank God that I met you. maybe we are total opposite but opposites do attract, right? we learn to appreciate each other’s flaws and differences, and it may be tough sometimes but that’s  what makes our relationship much stronger.

I love you and everything about you. don’t  you ever forget that!

words really aren’t enough. I may not have a romantic bone in my system but I will keep saying this: I love you and that you should know this by now. even if I get mad at you over nothing, or if we have petty fights over little things, please know that I won’t get tired of you. I feel like I should be the one to say: I hope you won’t get tired of me. I only want to make plans with you and ONLY YOU.

Happy birthday, habibi.

I love you.

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last night

I wasn’t feeling okay.

it was 10 p.m. when we went to bed. I was still okay that time but few minutes later, when he was about to turn off the lights, I don’t know what triggered it, but suddenly I found myself crying. he asked me what’s wrong but I, myself, didn’t know what’s wrong with me. I felt like choking with words that I should, at least, utter to him like some sort of explanation but tears drowned me instead. and we were suddenly quiet.

I don’t know what he was thinking and the silence was deafening. maybe he’s feeling uncomfortable again, like the last time. but seriously, I can’t find the reason why I was like that. then he talked. I was right. he asked me if I hate him, if I don’t love him anymore with a tone as if he done something wrong. then I cried harder. he just enveloped me with his arms, there’s another silence but that time I find it comfortable.

here I am again, overthinking over things I should not think of in the first place but I just can’t shoo them away. I am so selfish. I am so mean. I am so unfair. maybe sooner rather than later, he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. I hope he’ll not get tired of me.

the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

immortalizing the night I never imagined // have a peek two years ago

So how do I begin this?

I am not the girly type. I never see myself as a model or a beauty queen material or even see myself as beautiful/pretty either. I prefer being the cutie type lol. I don’t like wearing dresses and skirts and I prefer sneakers than sandals. I don’t even own a pair of heels. I don’t wear make-ups, too.

I was still in Manila back then when my mother called me saying that she listed my name for an audition. So I am so shocked and said that I am not doing it without even thinking twice. But mother insisted and told me that I was the one who is chosen to compete for Mutya ning Porac 2015. The first thing that came to my mind is, WTH? I thought she just listed my name for an AUDITION and the next thing I know was I am the one competing for the pageant.

It was the last week of October, and my handler, J called me saying that I should be in Pampanga right away because the practice was scheduled first week of November. I had no choice, right?

That November was so hectic and tiring, really. Aside from the scheduled practice for the pageant, I also need to practice my walk that time, because HELLO, I literally can’t walk wearing a 7-INCH heels. That was the biggest challenge for me that time. But after wearing it almost everyday and even if I was just at home, my handler told me to wear it even if I am just washing the dishes. That’s how I learned how to wear heels. LOL.

My next dilemma was having to wear make-up. So there was a pre-pageant shoots, and other photo and video shoots and guesting scheduled for a whole week, that’s why we had to wear make-up like almost every other day that week. Gosh, my concerned that time was my skin—I am not into beauty products and my skin is so sensitive. Here’s a fact: I don’t even use any face powder until now. I am afraid that I would have a pimple breakout that time, but thank goodness there was no single pimple came out. siguro nakisama na lang din. hahahaha! 

 

As the pre-pageant was approaching, I was already feeling cold feet and wanted to back-out. I was so nervous that I would just embarrassed myself in a large crowd or I can’t even introduced myself well. I even practiced my talent for only four days, I was afraid that I would make myself a laughing stock there. There was so many things going on in my head that time. But thankful enough that everything went well on our pre-pageant night. I  even received a special award as Miss Close-up Smile. LOL. XD

 

♡♡♡

 

I experienced a lot of firsts that night. It was my first time wearing two-piece and walking on stage with a large crowd wearing that. T~T It was the first time that I really see myself as beautiful and thought that I can do things like that—joining a beauty pageant. Another fact is, I never became a muse back in high school, and I never tried walking like a model on stage too. But I’m glad I experienced it that night.

Oh, there was a text voting too. Sosyal di ba? XD

 

I realized that beauty pageants is not just about beauty and brain; it is about the experience that you’ll be holding on and the people you will meet and the camaraderie that was created on that short span of time. It is never easy and you need to prepare and to have a lot of confidence not just physically but also mentally. You don’t need to be gorgeous for you to join a beauty pageant, for me it is from the way you handle yourself and the purpose you have in mind, to promote your advocacy and to share what beauty beyond the physicality means.

Even though I didn’t won that night, being in the Top 10 was really an achievement for me, given that it was my first time too. It was an experience that I never imagined. Going out of your comfort zone will not be easy but you just need to prove to yourself that you can—that’s the first step.

 

By the way, one of my co-candidates here in Mutya ning Porac 2015, who won the crown that night and also the reigning Mutya ning Kapampangan 2016 is now competing for Eat Bulaga’s Miss Millenial 2017. Please do support Ms. Jasmin Bungay as she competes as Miss Millenial Pampanga. Click her name for more details.

♡ A


photos grabbed // ctto

Awards X4

Okay, okay. I know I am so late for this but thank you so much for all the nominations—ate Thea, Krishel and Melissa.

For the Unique Blogger Award, the rule is to thank the person who nominated you and answer the 3 questions given and in return, I shall ask three questions for my nominees. Also, I need to nominate 8-13 bloggers for this award. While the Versatile and One Lovely Blogger Award, both have the same rules: thank the person who nominated you, share 7 facts about you, nominate 10 bloggers. So for this award, I will give 14 facts about myself. Hahahaha!

For the Mystery Blogger Award 

“Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion. – Okoto Enigma

The rules are as follows:

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated  you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5.  Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

Here goes my answers:


14 facts about me: 

  1. I don’t like my name. It is too generic and sounds too girly for me. But I’m glad my friends are too creative to give me a lot of nicknames: patty (there’s a story behind this, gellibeans, gelliace (jellyace), gellibeans, gellibear, lyca, aiks. Name it. Lol. But my family and relatives call me Ica (ay-ka) or Kang.
  2. I don’t know if I am the only one but I don’t like pineapples in my pizza and ketchup in my spaghetti. No, I don’t like ketchup at all, but I am eating tomatoes. Does that makes sense?
  3. My hair used to be supeeeeer long, but being a little bit impulsive, I ran all the way to a salon to cut my hair pixie style and the hairstylist was not sure if I am sure with I am doing or I was just having a dilemma and asked me a couple of times if I am sure if I really want my hair to be cut that short. But at the end, I had my ever first pixie cut. And I never regret doing that. Since then, I really like my hair short.
  4. I have 2 dogs and a kitten. I feel like they are my babies.
  5. You’ll think that I am snob in person but I am not. I am always getting that word, that now I got used to it.
  6. I am in a one year nine month (and counting lol cheesy) relationship.
  7. I really really really hate doing laundry.
  8. I prefer coffee than tea.
  9. My favorite number is 7. I don’t even know why but it happened to be my favorite number since I was a kid.
  10. I never played dolls, except paper dolls.
  11. I am not into street foods. Like isaw, balut, and such.
  12. I hate it when people I talk to stop mid-sentence.
  13. I always wanted to write and make documentaries.
  14. Seriously, I am having a hard time listing random facts about me.

3 Questions from ate Thea

  1. What is your advice for someone who had a friendship break-up? I never been in a friendship break-up. But people come and go, right? It is never easy. I mean, break-up is never easy. Like in any relationships, time is important in the whole process —for us to forgive and to forget and to move forward. What I am trying to say is, you just need to move on, whether it is taking you so long, but don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t take all the blame in your hands because everything happens for a reason. There will be pain, hatred, words left unsaid and words said out of anger, just let it go. Let the pain and all your feelings go, until you no longer feel it. That’s the time you’ll heal yourself. Take that time to forgive, not only them but also yourself. 
  2. Are there any regrets you have? What are those? Maybe the only regret I have is for not trusting myself. I am not that strong before, like I don’t have a say in anything and I don’t have the guts to say something, when I have all the words in mind. I get swayed with just one word, thinking of what others might say/think about me. But more than that, I am contented with all I have and I know that life is a work-in-progress. I am living a good life so far.
  3. What is the most memorable and proudest moment you have in your life? My relationship so far(?) lol. Seriously, this is my first relationship that lasts year long. I have a three-month curse (maybe I’ll write a blog about it. hahaha) I am proud that we’re going two this New Year. Mehehehe. 😀

Five questions from Krishel:

  1. What’s a song that was released on the year that you were born that you really, really like? Boyz II Men’s Water Runs Dry. 
  2. If your life is a novel, what would be the title? shocks, I am not that witty to think of a good title. but maybe if my life will be a novel, it will be a memoir; a collective anecdotes and funny stories. Sorry, I really can’t think of a title. Hahahaha!!! (I’ll update this when I already have one)
  3. What word defines you? Blah—this is so me.
  4. What are small things that instantly puts a smile on your face? Reading a good book, listening to music, and eating.
  5. Weird Question: Let’s say that you are a Customer Care Staff. What would you do when a client who’s very angry at the situation and inadvertently at you seriously told you that he is going to make you eat poop? *eh-kung-pakainin-kita-ng-tae-dyan-sabay-flex-ng-maskels-nyang-nonexistent-anger-levels* I am very sorry sir but your request is not fit in with our situation right now. If you would like I can put you to our supervisor’s line and you can directly talk to her in terms of your need. Thank you, and again, I am very sorry.” or maybe “I am very sorry but I am a human who eat food not poop. If you can eat poop, then eat it with yourself.” drop call. lol

Five Questions from Melissa:

  1. What is your secret guilty pleasure? re-watching Korean dramas to feel all the kilig and pain all over again and watching proposal and wedding videos, thinking that someday I get to experience it too. 
  2. If you could have any ability, what would it be? Teleportation or Invisibility.
  3. What is the one movie you could watch over and over again? A walk to remember.
  4. What is your favorite season – why? Summer.
  5. What is the inspiration/aesthetic behind your blog? I just want a clean and minimalist look and feel on my blog. I hope I achieved that. Hahahaha!

my best posts so far:

one step backward, two steps forward // note to self // there’s something about sunsets

I won’t give questions and nominations for now.

I am really having fun doing tags and awards but I think I should write more entries based on my own words. I feel like most of my entries lately were meh, fillers of some sort. I know, I know that I should write what I really feel and that’s what I am going to do right now. So, I’ll end this entry here. 😀

♡ A

why on earth am I having these kind of dreams?

Last night I had a hard time sleeping but that’s not even the end of it, I woke up with cold sweat from a crazy dream. I think I already shared some of my (weird)crazy dreams here on my blog, and as much as possible I want to remember all of it (maybe it will be a sign, something like that. Lol) but we have dreams that can be easily forgotten and some of it still remain as it is, clear and vivid.

But last night was different. I don’t know why I have that kind of dream. I remember parts of it but not everything. It’s scary and tiring, gosh, I don’t even know where/how to start.

So from what I remember, I was in a building. I don’t know where it was and it was nighttime. And after walking around, I found myself running. Run, run, run, my head says. I felt out-of-breath but still I ran. And when I turned my head, there are men who were catching me, I am not sure with this part, but it seemed like they were after me because I hold something important that they want to get from me. I ran, without knowing the exit. The worst part is, I was cornered and they were all perverts. Gosh, I still have the chills. And then, I woke up. Crazy, right?

Should I be careful with men around me? There’s a lot of silly ideas coming out in my head. I am afraid to go out, thinking that there’s a stranger waiting for me. Gaaaahd. Or maybe, I will be sexually assaulted, by whom? Pls, don’t judge. But seriously, these thoughts keep on running in my head.

Sometimes the idea of sleeping scares me. Or even just the time when the sun sets, I know that it will be night again. Scared that something will appear in my windows, or I’ll be having another dream. I know, it’s silly but still. I don’t know when it all started—this feeling of uneasiness and anxiety when the night unfolds. Ohhh, I wish I won’t have any bad, crazy dreams again.

Btw, I have a new kitten. He’s so cute and his color is gray. What should I name him? Hmmm.

♡ A

sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A