things I miss but

I think I became another person since I moved here in Pampanga. I don’t know how or when, but it feels like I am living inside another human being that is totally opposite of myself when I was still in Manila. I never go out of the house, mingle with other people or even just attempt to talk with the neighbors—I am not like that before. it was like I built another wall between myself and the outside world, for what? to get away from the people, to mouthfuls of issues and rumors I can’t get hold to anymore or I just want to be with myself—simple as that.

I got used to the feeling of being alone. it feels good to be alone and not to think of others but my brain is contradicting me, betraying me with thoughts I should not welcome. I keep on saying that I should ignore all of it and just live with it but still, it affects me in so many ways. but

I miss having friends. I miss talking to another person face to face. I miss having to catch up with a friend and talk for hours until we ran out of stories to tell. I miss going out with friends—movie nights and food trips. I miss the feeling of comfortable silence and just begin to laugh about nothing. I miss the way we laugh over a corny jokes. I miss everything I have back when I was still in Manila.

but things are different now.

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the sunday currently | 11

yay for sundays! I skipped four sundays because I don’t know why(?) lol. but seriously I feel so unproductive, or is it just me being lazy? whatever. but I missed writing TSC as if it is the only thing that makes me think of something and feel a little bit active, but not really. ugh what nonsense do I babble now?

but I must say that coffee really makes my day though I prefer Nescafe’s cappuccino than white espresso but nonetheless it was pretty good morning. as I was craving for rice cake since yesterday, the boyfriend is running late for work because of my rice cake. I feel like he’s blaming me for being late, again. *sigh* I need to sit through this good mood for me to have a really good day so I didn’t mind him pouting on me. so;

CURRENTLY

Reading tweets. my timeline is not that toxic than before, I am glad. gosh have you seen Julia Barretto’s tweet — she made a special video for Joshua Garcia’s 20th birthday. ohhh my heart ♡ I am not a fan of JoshLia but I really feel the love. hahahaha

Listening to taylor swift singing vance joy’s riptide in bbc radio 1 live lounge — I really love the song.

Thinking of how sensitive I was in the past few months. I am okay but sometimes I feel like I really don’t want to face people or just even talk to them. my boyfriend noticed it and just kept quiet maybe because he knew that I was not in the mood. I get irritated for nothing and I hate that feeling. ugh!!

Hoping that something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today.

Wearing black sando and maong short.

Loving the Christmas-y vibe. time flies so fast I can feel the cold “ber” wind already. it’s more better if they start selling bibingka and puto bumbong with pandan tea. *yum*

Wanting to buy new books and get myself back to reading. I also want to learn how to play DOTA so that I would know why the boyfriend is so addicted to it. worst is,  sometimes he’s playing until 5 a.m. like what the hell are you doing? why play when you can sleep? then he’ll reason out: minsan lang naman ako maglaro eh. — whatever.

Needing nothing. oh, no, I need some $$$. lol

Feeling good right now. seriously, I need to be like this the whole day. pls pls pls self, ok?

Clicking nothing. 🙂

hope y’all have a great sunday!!! 😀

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

♡ A

the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

immortalizing the night I never imagined // have a peek two years ago

So how do I begin this?

I am not the girly type. I never see myself as a model or a beauty queen material or even see myself as beautiful/pretty either. I prefer being the cutie type lol. I don’t like wearing dresses and skirts and I prefer sneakers than sandals. I don’t even own a pair of heels. I don’t wear make-ups, too.

I was still in Manila back then when my mother called me saying that she listed my name for an audition. So I am so shocked and said that I am not doing it without even thinking twice. But mother insisted and told me that I was the one who is chosen to compete for Mutya ning Porac 2015. The first thing that came to my mind is, WTH? I thought she just listed my name for an AUDITION and the next thing I know was I am the one competing for the pageant.

It was the last week of October, and my handler, J called me saying that I should be in Pampanga right away because the practice was scheduled first week of November. I had no choice, right?

That November was so hectic and tiring, really. Aside from the scheduled practice for the pageant, I also need to practice my walk that time, because HELLO, I literally can’t walk wearing a 7-INCH heels. That was the biggest challenge for me that time. But after wearing it almost everyday and even if I was just at home, my handler told me to wear it even if I am just washing the dishes. That’s how I learned how to wear heels. LOL.

My next dilemma was having to wear make-up. So there was a pre-pageant shoots, and other photo and video shoots and guesting scheduled for a whole week, that’s why we had to wear make-up like almost every other day that week. Gosh, my concerned that time was my skin—I am not into beauty products and my skin is so sensitive. Here’s a fact: I don’t even use any face powder until now. I am afraid that I would have a pimple breakout that time, but thank goodness there was no single pimple came out. siguro nakisama na lang din. hahahaha! 

 

As the pre-pageant was approaching, I was already feeling cold feet and wanted to back-out. I was so nervous that I would just embarrassed myself in a large crowd or I can’t even introduced myself well. I even practiced my talent for only four days, I was afraid that I would make myself a laughing stock there. There was so many things going on in my head that time. But thankful enough that everything went well on our pre-pageant night. I  even received a special award as Miss Close-up Smile. LOL. XD

 

♡♡♡

 

I experienced a lot of firsts that night. It was my first time wearing two-piece and walking on stage with a large crowd wearing that. T~T It was the first time that I really see myself as beautiful and thought that I can do things like that—joining a beauty pageant. Another fact is, I never became a muse back in high school, and I never tried walking like a model on stage too. But I’m glad I experienced it that night.

Oh, there was a text voting too. Sosyal di ba? XD

 

I realized that beauty pageants is not just about beauty and brain; it is about the experience that you’ll be holding on and the people you will meet and the camaraderie that was created on that short span of time. It is never easy and you need to prepare and to have a lot of confidence not just physically but also mentally. You don’t need to be gorgeous for you to join a beauty pageant, for me it is from the way you handle yourself and the purpose you have in mind, to promote your advocacy and to share what beauty beyond the physicality means.

Even though I didn’t won that night, being in the Top 10 was really an achievement for me, given that it was my first time too. It was an experience that I never imagined. Going out of your comfort zone will not be easy but you just need to prove to yourself that you can—that’s the first step.

 

By the way, one of my co-candidates here in Mutya ning Porac 2015, who won the crown that night and also the reigning Mutya ning Kapampangan 2016 is now competing for Eat Bulaga’s Miss Millenial 2017. Please do support Ms. Jasmin Bungay as she competes as Miss Millenial Pampanga. Click her name for more details.

♡ A


photos grabbed // ctto

sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A

What annoys me the most?

I was too busy on being annoyed and hot-headed and frustrated on everything out of I-don’t-know months back, but one thing’s for sure: I am so familiar with the word annoyance that I think I became the epitome of it. Lol, kidding aside. The list of the things that annoy me flows rapidly in my head when I start thinking about it. So for this entry, I will write about the things that annoy me the most and how I deal with it. (Okay, I am feeling productive right now. Hahaha!)

  • I don’t like others touching and/or using my things, especially if it’s my favorite one, without asking me first. I can give you some of my things but you should ask me first.
  • I don’t like repeating myself over and over again. Like, when somebody ask me then I already gave my answer then you will ask me again the same question. It’s irritating. Another example is when my mother ask me to say a word to my sister, about being pasaway and that. For me, once is enough. napagsabihan na kita, nagawa ko na part ko and if di mo ko pinakinggan, problema mo na ‘yon. Simple as that.
  • When it comes to my books, I think I already wrote an entry about it here.
  • They always say that I have no romantic bone because I easily get irritated if you started being clingy on me. I don’t even like grand gestures or big surprises. (still I appreciate it. But as much as possible I don’t like that much attention) It really annoys me. But I am trying to change this attitude because obviously it’s one of the reasons why me and the boyf always fight. #Fact: we always have petty fights over little things. Okay, I think I know what I should write next. Bwahahaha!
  • MY BOYFRIEND. LOL. Seriously, he annoys the hell out of me. Okay, I understand that he needs lambing too, but too much is not healthy. Di ba nga masama yung sobrang tamis sa katawan, baka magka-Diabetes. Lol corny. I am trying not to be dependent and overly attached on him, you know, mahirap pag nakasanayan na.
  • I can’t handle kids being makulit and yung maingay talaga. Nakakarindi. I prefer infants, kasi laging tulog.
  • I don’t like when people step on my feet. Be it intentional or not.
  • Making comparisons about me and another individual.
  • When someone makes a prank on me. Pero I love the feeling when I am the one who’s doing the pranks. #Fact: epal talaga ako. 😂

Okay, I’ll end this here. Baka ano pa masulat ko dito. Hahahaha! But let me say this again, I am easy to please. So, pls don’t judge. Lol. How about you? What are the things that annoy you the most?

♡ A

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

Back to the days when I was so down and depressed, an unexpected message from an unexpected person popped up in my chat box. It was all sudden and took me a solid five seconds to realize that it was that person and the only word—and actually an awkward reply I could think of that time was HAHAHA, because that was me. LOL.

The whole conversation was not awkward at all. I will not write about it but there is one thing that he told me that I will never forget.

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

I am not being too proud of myself but I must say that I am good at school. Aside from high expectations I am getting from my family, and being enrolled in a private school, I really had fun studying and never had a problem with it. Until college where I took up Mass Communication but unfortunately, I still have one year to finish. And that’s where the problem comes in. I think it is just one of the reasons why my momentum stopped, and that’s why I am kind of lost.

But it hits me hard when that person told me this, and realize that I was that kind of person before my momentum stopped. Maybe I was too afraid to make a move, not knowing what will happen or maybe I lost interest on the things I really love to do. But I came to my senses that moment when he told me that, and I think that’s what I needed.

And right now, I am back on track. I used up a lot of energy and time for what? Self-hatred? Self-pity? On being sad and depressed? Not knowing that there’s more, that it is not too late, that everything will fall into its right place at the right time. I am not that optimistic, but I am really trying my best to be one. I used to have a plan, as in everything was smoothly planned in my head and I got to do some of it. But along the way I got swayed, that’s why I found myself lost somewhere.

While writing this entry, I am getting to know more of myself, of what I really want to do, of the plans I made before, and what will happen to me in the future. I wish I can see things through time machines but I guess we can’t have everything we want and it takes time. I still want to make and write my own documentary films, organize an event, write about the places that I’ve been to, and to live in an island.

♡ A