immortalizing the night I never imagined // have a peek two years ago

So how do I begin this?

I am not the girly type. I never see myself as a model or a beauty queen material or even see myself as beautiful/pretty either. I prefer being the cutie type lol. I don’t like wearing dresses and skirts and I prefer sneakers than sandals. I don’t even own a pair of heels. I don’t wear make-ups, too.

I was still in Manila back then when my mother called me saying that she listed my name for an audition. So I am so shocked and said that I am not doing it without even thinking twice. But mother insisted and told me that I was the one who is chosen to compete for Mutya ning Porac 2015. The first thing that came to my mind is, WTH? I thought she just listed my name for an AUDITION and the next thing I know was I am the one competing for the pageant.

It was the last week of October, and my handler, J called me saying that I should be in Pampanga right away because the practice was scheduled first week of November. I had no choice, right?

That November was so hectic and tiring, really. Aside from the scheduled practice for the pageant, I also need to practice my walk that time, because HELLO, I literally can’t walk wearing a 7-INCH heels. That was the biggest challenge for me that time. But after wearing it almost everyday and even if I was just at home, my handler told me to wear it even if I am just washing the dishes. That’s how I learned how to wear heels. LOL.

My next dilemma was having to wear make-up. So there was a pre-pageant shoots, and other photo and video shoots and guesting scheduled for a whole week, that’s why we had to wear make-up like almost every other day that week. Gosh, my concerned that time was my skin—I am not into beauty products and my skin is so sensitive. Here’s a fact: I don’t even use any face powder until now. I am afraid that I would have a pimple breakout that time, but thank goodness there was no single pimple came out. siguro nakisama na lang din. hahahaha! 

 

As the pre-pageant was approaching, I was already feeling cold feet and wanted to back-out. I was so nervous that I would just embarrassed myself in a large crowd or I can’t even introduced myself well. I even practiced my talent for only four days, I was afraid that I would make myself a laughing stock there. There was so many things going on in my head that time. But thankful enough that everything went well on our pre-pageant night. I  even received a special award as Miss Close-up Smile. LOL. XD

 

♡♡♡

 

I experienced a lot of firsts that night. It was my first time wearing two-piece and walking on stage with a large crowd wearing that. T~T It was the first time that I really see myself as beautiful and thought that I can do things like that—joining a beauty pageant. Another fact is, I never became a muse back in high school, and I never tried walking like a model on stage too. But I’m glad I experienced it that night.

Oh, there was a text voting too. Sosyal di ba? XD

 

I realized that beauty pageants is not just about beauty and brain; it is about the experience that you’ll be holding on and the people you will meet and the camaraderie that was created on that short span of time. It is never easy and you need to prepare and to have a lot of confidence not just physically but also mentally. You don’t need to be gorgeous for you to join a beauty pageant, for me it is from the way you handle yourself and the purpose you have in mind, to promote your advocacy and to share what beauty beyond the physicality means.

Even though I didn’t won that night, being in the Top 10 was really an achievement for me, given that it was my first time too. It was an experience that I never imagined. Going out of your comfort zone will not be easy but you just need to prove to yourself that you can—that’s the first step.

 

By the way, one of my co-candidates here in Mutya ning Porac 2015, who won the crown that night and also the reigning Mutya ning Kapampangan 2016 is now competing for Eat Bulaga’s Miss Millenial 2017. Please do support Ms. Jasmin Bungay as she competes as Miss Millenial Pampanga. Click her name for more details.

♡ A


photos grabbed // ctto
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sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

Back to the days when I was so down and depressed, an unexpected message from an unexpected person popped up in my chat box. It was all sudden and took me a solid five seconds to realize that it was that person and the only word—and actually an awkward reply I could think of that time was HAHAHA, because that was me. LOL.

The whole conversation was not awkward at all. I will not write about it but there is one thing that he told me that I will never forget.

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

I am not being too proud of myself but I must say that I am good at school. Aside from high expectations I am getting from my family, and being enrolled in a private school, I really had fun studying and never had a problem with it. Until college where I took up Mass Communication but unfortunately, I still have one year to finish. And that’s where the problem comes in. I think it is just one of the reasons why my momentum stopped, and that’s why I am kind of lost.

But it hits me hard when that person told me this, and realize that I was that kind of person before my momentum stopped. Maybe I was too afraid to make a move, not knowing what will happen or maybe I lost interest on the things I really love to do. But I came to my senses that moment when he told me that, and I think that’s what I needed.

And right now, I am back on track. I used up a lot of energy and time for what? Self-hatred? Self-pity? On being sad and depressed? Not knowing that there’s more, that it is not too late, that everything will fall into its right place at the right time. I am not that optimistic, but I am really trying my best to be one. I used to have a plan, as in everything was smoothly planned in my head and I got to do some of it. But along the way I got swayed, that’s why I found myself lost somewhere.

While writing this entry, I am getting to know more of myself, of what I really want to do, of the plans I made before, and what will happen to me in the future. I wish I can see things through time machines but I guess we can’t have everything we want and it takes time. I still want to make and write my own documentary films, organize an event, write about the places that I’ve been to, and to live in an island.

♡ A

the sunday currently | 10

halu halu! :–) it’s sunday again, and as much as i want to share how was my week, there’s nothing really interesting happened to me aside from locking myself in my room and binge-watched some korean tv series. i really really really love my baby wookie. 

i am still here at the boyf’s. the plan is for me to download some k-series, and when i was about to look for it in kissasian.com, the website has been shut down by abscbn. and i was like, WHHHHHAAAT? so i am lost right now because i don’t know any sites aside from kissasian where i can download k-drama. so if you know some websites where i can download korean series, feel free to comment below. you’ll be my angel.

i still have suspicious partner to finish though i already watched it twice and i still can’t get enough of JCW. i really really really love how charming and cute my wookie baby acts on this series. it wasn’t full-packed with action unlike his other series. it was so refreshing. but what i don’t like how the story went–it was pretty predictable.

moving on…

CURRENTLY

Reading paulo coelho’s eleven minutes. i am on the last 100+ pages, and it is very enlightening, coming from the view of a prostitute finding her “light” and true love. i’ll be writing another entry about this book. not really a book review but i’ll be sharing my favorite quotes from the book.

i am planning to read the alchemist next.

Writing this sunday currently entry. 🙂

Listening to meiko’s under my bed.

Thinking (1) if i should write something about the rumors about me (which made me so stressed and sad and frustrated) though i am not quite sure if somebody i know personally reads my blog, that will cause another rumor. lol (2) how to make my life happier? (3) it is already BER months and i still have no work. though a resort already called me and told me that they will call me again after two weeks for my interview so i am still waiting for it. *fingers crossed*

Hoping THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. repeat 20x until it comes true.

Wearing my pjs from last night. i still haven’t take a bath. lol

Loving how my boyfriend’s being considerate and patient when i am having my tantrums. i think he’s getting used to it. :”)

Wanting (still) a new notebook. meh

Needing someone to talk to. maybe you can tweet me or send me a dm over twitter. pls, make me happy.

Feeling okay(?) hahahahahaha!!!!

Clicking nothing. 😀

please suggest a good book to read, a feel-good or rom-com or maybe, another K-drama series? 😀 have a great sunday!!!

♡ A
join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

one step backward, two steps forward

we always makes mistakes, that’s normal; it makes us more human. we don’t need to blame ourselves and others for our mistakes, thus we make it as an eye-opener to be a better version of ourselves. we sometimes ignore the lessons learned when we make mistakes, and because of that, we make the same mistake again.

before, i always step backward, stayed there for a very long time and never move forward. i always took my time to devour all the mistakes i have done, savored all the bitterness and self-pity and hatred came from it and never realised that i was becoming a miserable, wasted human being.

i made myself to be in the state where i was so in denial, confused, full of hate, always pity herself and build a wall where not everyone can enter. not until i felt alone — i started to isolate myself, thinking that if i did that, i won’t make any mistake, but i was wrong.

i always step backward when i should step forward. i should step forward, and forgive myself for my own mistakes and learn from it. i should never take a step backward and put myself in that miserable state when i just need to have two steps forward, accept my mistakes, and feel better. take a step backward to see the image of yourself — on how devastated, miserable you were when you keep on blaming yourself with that single mistake, then take a step forward to release yourself from that blame, put away all the blame aside, think of all the things that will make up for that mistake and do it. that’s the right thing to do.

maybe we can take a step backward, take that step to make yourself realize all the wrong things you’ve done, then after that, don’t forget to take two steps forward; to freed yourself from all the blame and make up for that mistake; that will make you grow as a better person.

always remember to take a step forward.

note to self

i know that you have so much regrets in the past, and that you can’t go back in time to change any of it. but i just want to say that it’s okay, you are still okay and you’ll be okay. but

i wished you were strong enough that time, strong enough to make your own decisions and not get easily swayed with a single word; that you had the gut to say whatever it is in your heart, whether if it’s right or wrong. i know it has been hard for you to keep all those words to yourself and all those misunderstandings and shortcomings. now, i am saying this to you: don’t be afraid of what others might think or say about you. it’s more important to open yourself up, say what you really want to say, may it be an opinion or an argument and even if others might don’t understand you, at least you have said what you really wanted to say.

i wished you got to experience life more, though there’s more. i know you wanted to please everyone around you before, that’s why you acted upon their approval and forgot to let yourself to had fun. i know it was your choice too but what i am trying to say is, i wished you go out more with your friends, had your sleepover and movie nights. i know you always say no because you always think of what your family would say. you don’t want them to be disappointed, that you only think of was their expectations. but you see, i think what you did was so selfish. you were being selfish on yourself. you never let yourself to live life and you focus more on other’s opinion, but the truth is, you forgot to have your own opinion on yourself. now, i am saying this to you: YOLO: you only live once so make the most out of life. you don’t want to regret all the things that you should have done so start now.

maybe you think that it was too late but it’s not. you have more time in your hands. you are still young, and there’s more adventures and trials yet to come along your way but you’ll be fine, i promise and i believe in you. you just need to open your eyes in all possibilities and just do what makes you happy. also, don’t expect too much — on life in general.

you deserve to live a happy life!

there’s something about sunsets

The sun’s setting down, leaving some shades of red and orange; a majestic view I longed for before the day ends — a proof that endings are beautiful too. The warmth that it gives, added a calming effect to wash away the jitters creeping onto me as the night unfolds into the skyline. Sure there’s something about sunsets.

I love how its color seeps through in my windows, reflecting its beauty even if I chose to lock myself in my box-type room, washing away the sullen state of it. Maybe, just maybe, it’s just a sign that gives off a glimpse of what’s more outside my window, and all I need to do is to open that window or step out of the room.

Even if we had a long day, good or bad, something beautiful is waiting for us at the end of the day.

Such a beautiful life we have, and all we need is to admire and enjoy the beauty of it. Even if it’s the end of the day or the beginning, we always have something to be thankful for.