one step backward, two steps forward

we always makes mistakes, that’s normal; it makes us more human. we don’t need to blame ourselves and others for our mistakes, thus we make it as an eye-opener to be a better version of ourselves. we sometimes ignore the lessons learned when we make mistakes, and because of that, we make the same mistake again.

before, i always step backward, stayed there for a very long time and never move forward. i always took my time to devour all the mistakes i have done, savored all the bitterness and self-pity and hatred came from it and never realised that i was becoming a miserable, wasted human being.

i made myself to be in the state where i was so in denial, confused, full of hate, always pity herself and build a wall where not everyone can enter. not until i felt alone — i started to isolate myself, thinking that if i did that, i won’t make any mistake, but i was wrong.

i always step backward when i should step forward. i should step forward, and forgive myself for my own mistakes and learn from it. i should never take a step backward and put myself in that miserable state when i just need to have two steps forward, accept my mistakes, and feel better. take a step backward to see the image of yourself — on how devastated, miserable you were when you keep on blaming yourself with that single mistake, then take a step forward to release yourself from that blame, put away all the blame aside, think of all the things that will make up for that mistake and do it. that’s the right thing to do.

maybe we can take a step backward, take that step to make yourself realize all the wrong things you’ve done, then after that, don’t forget to take two steps forward; to freed yourself from all the blame and make up for that mistake; that will make you grow as a better person.

always remember to take a step forward.

note to self

i know that you have so much regrets in the past, and that you can’t go back in time to change any of it. but i just want to say that it’s okay, you are still okay and you’ll be okay. but

i wished you were strong enough that time, strong enough to make your own decisions and not get easily swayed with a single word; that you had the gut to say whatever it is in your heart, whether if it’s right or wrong. i know it has been hard for you to keep all those words to yourself and all those misunderstandings and shortcomings. now, i am saying this to you: don’t be afraid of what others might think or say about you. it’s more important to open yourself up, say what you really want to say, may it be an opinion or an argument and even if others might don’t understand you, at least you have said what you really wanted to say.

i wished you got to experience life more, though there’s more. i know you wanted to please everyone around you before, that’s why you acted upon their approval and forgot to let yourself to had fun. i know it was your choice too but what i am trying to say is, i wished you go out more with your friends, had your sleepover and movie nights. i know you always say no because you always think of what your family would say. you don’t want them to be disappointed, that you only think of was their expectations. but you see, i think what you did was so selfish. you were being selfish on yourself. you never let yourself to live life and you focus more on other’s opinion, but the truth is, you forgot to have your own opinion on yourself. now, i am saying this to you: YOLO: you only live once so make the most out of life. you don’t want to regret all the things that you should have done so start now.

maybe you think that it was too late but it’s not. you have more time in your hands. you are still young, and there’s more adventures and trials yet to come along your way but you’ll be fine, i promise and i believe in you. you just need to open your eyes in all possibilities and just do what makes you happy. also, don’t expect too much — on life in general.

you deserve to live a happy life!

there’s something about sunsets

The sun’s setting down, leaving some shades of red and orange; a majestic view I longed for before the day ends — a proof that endings are beautiful too. The warmth that it gives, added a calming effect to wash away the jitters creeping onto me as the night unfolds into the skyline. Sure there’s something about sunsets.

I love how its color seeps through in my windows, reflecting its beauty even if I chose to lock myself in my box-type room, washing away the sullen state of it. Maybe, just maybe, it’s just a sign that gives off a glimpse of what’s more outside my window, and all I need to do is to open that window or step out of the room.

Even if we had a long day, good or bad, something beautiful is waiting for us at the end of the day.

Such a beautiful life we have, and all we need is to admire and enjoy the beauty of it. Even if it’s the end of the day or the beginning, we always have something to be thankful for.

the sunday currently | 08

GUYYYYYYYYS!!!!!!!!! I am so ecstatic when I opened my notification in my wordpress app!! Guess what? Guess what??

To my 102 followers, I am sending y’all a virtual hugs & kisses! >>>> >:D< 😘 Thank you so much for reading all my non-sense hanash about my life and everything in between. I know this blog is not that awesome in a way that it can inspire a lot of people but I do hope that my followers somehow enjoyed reading what I have written here so far. Also, I never never thought that I will get to know awesoooome people here. I LOVE Y’ALL!!! 💖

It’s Sunday today and to sum up my week: I don’t know why but I felt my mind went blank last week. I have so much things to share: one is about my trip to Bulacan with my boyfie’s side. But when I was in front of my laptop, I just don’t find the right words to start my entry. Like I have all the stories in mind, but when I am about to type it, my mind suddenly shut off. *sigh*

For now, I just get into this Sunday currently entry. Here you go!

CURRENTLY

Reading Coelho’s Eleven Minutes. I am already done reading half of the book. I must say that the story is interesting.

Here’s some of my favorite lines:

IMAG0243_1

Writing this entry. And I’ll try to write some entries to be scheduled.

Listening to Lana Del Rey’s Love 🎶

Thinking of nothing. And it is so irritating and frustrating. You know? You want to think of something but your mind’s not cooperating. I feel so unproductive. 😩

Hoping for something good to happen.

Wearing maong shorts & sleeveless top

Loving the fact that I had a good night sleep these past few days. Though some nights I felt so empty and oddly sad, but still I am feeling better each day. 🙂

Wanting A NEW NOTEBOOK & PENS!!!!!!!!

Needing some $$$ (so that I can buy some new clothes huhu I don’t even know when was the last time I bought a nice shirt)

Feeling sunny. :—–)

Clicking nothing.

Hope you are feeling happy, too. 😁💖 And have a great Sunday!

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

my love for notebooks and (cute)pens

Whenever I go to bookstores, even if I just go there to look for a good book and not planning to buy anything at all or even if I just saw a bookstore or any stationery stores, my feet will automatically walk towards the entrance and end up buying a notebook or a pen. It is kind of habit, I guess.

I have many notebooks that are kept to collect dust in my bookshelf. Some of it have writings, and some are not used. I just love to collect notebooks and pens. I always have this battle in my head where I buy this cute little notebook and when I was about to write something on it, my hands stiffened like it doesn’t want to wreck that cute little notebook and just display it on my shelf. Weird, right?

And so for my pens, I have this little pouch (not pencil-case, it is too small for my collection) where I hide all my pens — I have ball points, g-techs, markers, pens with different colors of ink, and many more. And I always have pens in my bags. I don’t want anyone to use my pens. I am selfish when it comes to my things. Another thing is, when I am at the bookstore, I always go where the pens are displayed and me being overly obsessed with pens, I always try and test all different kinds of pens just to satisfy my obsessions. =)) and I think that’s beautiful. (LOL)

I am thinking to continue writing on my journal. I stopped for a while and I don’t know why but right now, I am inspired to do the bullet journal thing. I am not that organised with things but we’ll see.

Do you have any weird obsession/s or weird fetishes (lol)? 😀

on rainy days

I feel more alive than ever. I love the rain pitter pattering on the roof as if it is dancing through the music of the cold air gushing through my windows, making me more calm in my own solitude and thinking nothing.

This is what I love about the rain: It draws away my attention from the rush of all these uncontrollable thoughts; when all I hear is the heavy pour of rain and how the cold air touches my skin, it felt more comfortable than enveloping myself with a blanket. The coldness never bothered me unlike these silly thoughts in my head.

It’s been raining so hard lately, and I feel more sunny than gloomy. With a cup of hot coffee and a good book to read, I am at peace; my mind is undisturbed. In my normal days, it will be like sort of monotonous but with these kind of days, it feels more engaging, like I am always in a mood for something.

I don’t know but I really love the rain. But it saddens me thinking how beautiful the rain in my eyes while they fall from the skies but just disappear on the surface, and become the normal water before they evaporate again in the air, to be the rain that I always love. But I am still glad for the raindrops even if they only exist for a short time.

Oh, I wish that the rain will never stop. (but then I remember I am living in a tropical country. Lol)

 

When meeting people’s expectations

Expectation is a big word. I know this will make or break you but of course it is up to you on what will be the result of the actions you will make. This will be sound selfish and unapologetic but please try to understand where I am coming from.

This is not a rant post (maybe it will look like one but it is not). It has been on my mind especially when this sudden feeling of emptiness starts to creep in; it happens to me lately. And I think I just need to declutter these thoughts so that I can ease myself from thinking too much.

I know that it is not big of a deal if people have expectations from you, ofc that’s normal. But if that expectations become too much, everything becomes more of the result of other’s expectations than doing it for yourself. I kind of feel that way right now. Yes, I wanted to do something because of them. All the decisions in the past resulted from what they expect from me to do and I regretted it. I regret saying all those YES’s when I should say NO and from every clothes that I wore to the things that I bought that I don’t even want to wear just because they say so, I regret it all. If I ever knew that I will be like this, I could have done it my way but what’s done is done.

I never wore dresses that I liked because they prefer shirts and jeans. When I tried to wear lipstick and powder, they made me feel that I shouldn’t because they say that simplicity is beauty. I am a good student and I want to share all the things that I know but they told me that I shouldn’t because all the knowledge that I had will be passed on whoever I will help. It felt wrong for me but I just did what they say because that is what they expect me to do.

I want to study Tourism but they told me that they don’t like the idea of me travelling far away from home and they were afraid if something happens on the airplane that I was in so I studied Communications instead. I am on my third year and completing all the necessary requirements for my OJT when all of a sudden, without a word, took that year off. They say that it was okay even though I can’t didn’t finish my degree because I can easily find a job because I was smart. They also told me that my aunt didn’t finish her pre-med either but she had the life that she wanted, so silently I said okay, it is fine. But my heart crushed into pieces and until now it still shattered, missing some of its pieces, not knowing if I can still find those missing pieces and put it back in place.

I don’t know if those expectations were for me or for them, but one thing’s for sure — it broke me. I tried to understand them and did my best to meet those expectations but where am I right now? I am indebted to them for the life that I had and still feel lucky to have them. But I just felt something’s missing inside me and the only thing that I can blame for is myself — that I cared so much and remained silent.