the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

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sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A

What annoys me the most?

I was too busy on being annoyed and hot-headed and frustrated on everything out of I-don’t-know months back, but one thing’s for sure: I am so familiar with the word annoyance that I think I became the epitome of it. Lol, kidding aside. The list of the things that annoy me flows rapidly in my head when I start thinking about it. So for this entry, I will write about the things that annoy me the most and how I deal with it. (Okay, I am feeling productive right now. Hahaha!)

  • I don’t like others touching and/or using my things, especially if it’s my favorite one, without asking me first. I can give you some of my things but you should ask me first.
  • I don’t like repeating myself over and over again. Like, when somebody ask me then I already gave my answer then you will ask me again the same question. It’s irritating. Another example is when my mother ask me to say a word to my sister, about being pasaway and that. For me, once is enough. napagsabihan na kita, nagawa ko na part ko and if di mo ko pinakinggan, problema mo na ‘yon. Simple as that.
  • When it comes to my books, I think I already wrote an entry about it here.
  • They always say that I have no romantic bone because I easily get irritated if you started being clingy on me. I don’t even like grand gestures or big surprises. (still I appreciate it. But as much as possible I don’t like that much attention) It really annoys me. But I am trying to change this attitude because obviously it’s one of the reasons why me and the boyf always fight. #Fact: we always have petty fights over little things. Okay, I think I know what I should write next. Bwahahaha!
  • MY BOYFRIEND. LOL. Seriously, he annoys the hell out of me. Okay, I understand that he needs lambing too, but too much is not healthy. Di ba nga masama yung sobrang tamis sa katawan, baka magka-Diabetes. Lol corny. I am trying not to be dependent and overly attached on him, you know, mahirap pag nakasanayan na.
  • I can’t handle kids being makulit and yung maingay talaga. Nakakarindi. I prefer infants, kasi laging tulog.
  • I don’t like when people step on my feet. Be it intentional or not.
  • Making comparisons about me and another individual.
  • When someone makes a prank on me. Pero I love the feeling when I am the one who’s doing the pranks. #Fact: epal talaga ako. 😂

Okay, I’ll end this here. Baka ano pa masulat ko dito. Hahahaha! But let me say this again, I am easy to please. So, pls don’t judge. Lol. How about you? What are the things that annoy you the most?

♡ A

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

Back to the days when I was so down and depressed, an unexpected message from an unexpected person popped up in my chat box. It was all sudden and took me a solid five seconds to realize that it was that person and the only word—and actually an awkward reply I could think of that time was HAHAHA, because that was me. LOL.

The whole conversation was not awkward at all. I will not write about it but there is one thing that he told me that I will never forget.

“Of all the people I know, I am sure you are definitely one who will succeed.”

I am not being too proud of myself but I must say that I am good at school. Aside from high expectations I am getting from my family, and being enrolled in a private school, I really had fun studying and never had a problem with it. Until college where I took up Mass Communication but unfortunately, I still have one year to finish. And that’s where the problem comes in. I think it is just one of the reasons why my momentum stopped, and that’s why I am kind of lost.

But it hits me hard when that person told me this, and realize that I was that kind of person before my momentum stopped. Maybe I was too afraid to make a move, not knowing what will happen or maybe I lost interest on the things I really love to do. But I came to my senses that moment when he told me that, and I think that’s what I needed.

And right now, I am back on track. I used up a lot of energy and time for what? Self-hatred? Self-pity? On being sad and depressed? Not knowing that there’s more, that it is not too late, that everything will fall into its right place at the right time. I am not that optimistic, but I am really trying my best to be one. I used to have a plan, as in everything was smoothly planned in my head and I got to do some of it. But along the way I got swayed, that’s why I found myself lost somewhere.

While writing this entry, I am getting to know more of myself, of what I really want to do, of the plans I made before, and what will happen to me in the future. I wish I can see things through time machines but I guess we can’t have everything we want and it takes time. I still want to make and write my own documentary films, organize an event, write about the places that I’ve been to, and to live in an island.

♡ A

​10 things that make me really happy.

Maybe I am a little materialistic when it comes to things that make me happy though not every single thing I have really makes me happy. Gets? 😂 I haven’t think of it lately because of how my emotions had been a rollercoaster ride these past few months. But now, thinking of it, I think I can write at least 10 things that make me really happy. Okay, please don’t judge me. Hahaha.

1. I will start off with anything cute. Cute ball pens, cute notebooks, cute bookmarks, cute paper tapes, cute ponytails, cute hairpins, cute anything. I really like cute stuff but I am not really girly. Lol.

2. For the love of sweets: Chocolate bars, Choco baby, Apollo, candies, wafers, marshmallows, cookies, cotton candy. But, #Fact: I don’t like chocolates with fruits and nuts. For my cotton candy, I always like the pink one.

3. I always need my caffeine to be fixed in my system first thing in the morning. There is a big possibility that my day will go smoothly after that. #Fact: sometimes I get to drink 3 cups of coffee in a day. After I got sick for a month, my doctor forbids me to drink coffee and avoid too much sweets (which is one of the things that make me really happy), that makes me a little sad. Ofc, I didn’t stop drinking coffee and eating sweets after what happened but I just drink/eat it moderately like once na lang ako magcoffee in a day and one bar of hanybar nalang. (masarap ang bawal, di ba?)

4. MY BOOKS. Reading makes me happy. When my mind is in total chaos, I just need a good book to divert myself. And I have this i-don’t-know if I am the only one, but I really love the smell of my books and I always like sniff through the pages first before I read them. Lol. Aside from this blog, reading and at the same time locking myself in my room is my another escape.

5. Aside from sweets, FOOD IS LIFE. You can always bring me to food trips, buffet and eat-all-you-can restaurants, the pleasure will always be mine. Who doesn’t love to eat? Though me and my tummy is happy, my wallet is crying. Hahahahaha!

So the first 5, obviously, are the tangible things where I find happiness from. (or yan lang yung pumasok sa utak ko as of now) I think I am not hard to please, but if you’ve done something wrong to me, it’s really hard for me to forget. But if you say sorry and mean it, I’ll probably forgive you easily. I think that’s one of my weaknesses. So, moving on.

6. I am not good at starting conversation but I really love small talks and deep conversations. And it really makes me happy knowing that someone wants to talk to me even if I am the worst you can talk to. I admit it, I am not good at topics and I always reply with OK or Hahahaha or really not related to the topic until the other person won’t reply anymore. And that’s okay with me because I got used to it. So, if you stayed in our conversation for one hour, then I think you’re pretty special. 😄

7. Sunsets and Rainy days.

8. My heart flutters with pure joy every time a person do little things for me. Like my boyfriend everytime he braids my hair and playing with my hair for me to sleep. Everytime my sister ask me if I would like to have coffee (knowing that I like my coffee in the morning) or when a friend tweets me, or leaves me a private message asking how am I or they just missed me. Something like that.

9. Is it weird that I am happy when I am pissing off or making silly jokes on someone until they become pissed off or mad with me. Lol, but it’s true. Ang epal ko lang.

10. Things I am making in my head. From the plans I am making even though I am not sure if it will happen in the future. I have this weird habit of making sequence of images flashing inside my head, sort of imagining things out of wanting and needing. Just thinking all of it make me  really happy.

That’s it. The first time I tried writing this entry seemed too hard for me, not that I don’t really know myself too well but I find it hard to think of all the things that make me happy when I am not that really happy. Okay, okay, baka saan pa ‘to mapunta. Also, I really hope you get to know me more with this post.

♡ A

the sunday currently | 08

GUYYYYYYYYS!!!!!!!!! I am so ecstatic when I opened my notification in my wordpress app!! Guess what? Guess what??

To my 102 followers, I am sending y’all a virtual hugs & kisses! >>>> >:D< 😘 Thank you so much for reading all my non-sense hanash about my life and everything in between. I know this blog is not that awesome in a way that it can inspire a lot of people but I do hope that my followers somehow enjoyed reading what I have written here so far. Also, I never never thought that I will get to know awesoooome people here. I LOVE Y’ALL!!! 💖

It’s Sunday today and to sum up my week: I don’t know why but I felt my mind went blank last week. I have so much things to share: one is about my trip to Bulacan with my boyfie’s side. But when I was in front of my laptop, I just don’t find the right words to start my entry. Like I have all the stories in mind, but when I am about to type it, my mind suddenly shut off. *sigh*

For now, I just get into this Sunday currently entry. Here you go!

CURRENTLY

Reading Coelho’s Eleven Minutes. I am already done reading half of the book. I must say that the story is interesting.

Here’s some of my favorite lines:

IMAG0243_1

Writing this entry. And I’ll try to write some entries to be scheduled.

Listening to Lana Del Rey’s Love 🎶

Thinking of nothing. And it is so irritating and frustrating. You know? You want to think of something but your mind’s not cooperating. I feel so unproductive. 😩

Hoping for something good to happen.

Wearing maong shorts & sleeveless top

Loving the fact that I had a good night sleep these past few days. Though some nights I felt so empty and oddly sad, but still I am feeling better each day. 🙂

Wanting A NEW NOTEBOOK & PENS!!!!!!!!

Needing some $$$ (so that I can buy some new clothes huhu I don’t even know when was the last time I bought a nice shirt)

Feeling sunny. :—–)

Clicking nothing.

Hope you are feeling happy, too. 😁💖 And have a great Sunday!

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

an anecdote of a girl who never played her dolls

Though I have no vivid images of how my childhood was, I somehow remember some experiences that I had. And like any other kids, I remember having toys and dolls but the difference is, I wasn’t able to play my dolls.

I remember having so many dolls: Barbie? You name it. I have a complete set with houses, wardrobes, and pets. Not just barbies, I also have a life-size kitchen set for kids. Most of it was given to me as a gift on my birthdays & Christmas and the rest was bought by my grandmother. But, I never played them.

I don’t remember who put it in a nice clear plastic and displayed it. The boxes were never opened. But I remember what my grandmother said when I asked if I can play with my dolls: baka masira lang, pag laki mo na. (it might just break, you can play it when you grow up) and since I was just a kid that time, I agreed. Years passed, I never able to play with it until I get in high school. I don’t remember what happened to my dolls, maybe my mother gave it to my cousins I don’t know, and just like that, it disappeared before my eyes.

I said to myself that if ever I will have a daughter, I will buy her dolls and let her play with it whenever she wants. I always wanted to play dolls — like braiding the hair, change her from gowns to dresses, and ofc play my dolls with a friend. I want my daughter to experience what I haven’t. I don’t want her to live like me; no clear images of how my childhood was. I want her to remember every single day of her childhood. I want her to make good memories even if she’s still a kid.

If ever there’s a room with a time machine, I will go back to when I asked my grandmother if I can play with my dolls, and even if she didn’t allow me to play with it, I will sneak out of my room and get my doll from the display and play with it. 😀

PS: I remember playing paper dolls but a real barbie doll was better, right? Hahahaha.