sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A

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about yesterday

I felt my Sunday was incomplete because I was not able to write my Sunday Currently entry and that’s because I was out ’til late with the boyfriend. I was thinking to write my entry even if it’s the witching hour but I failed, I was too tired and sleepy. Ergo, this entry is about what happened the whole day yesterday. Sounds good? [yeah, I am trying to, at least, make my Sunday currently in low-key. Lol]

So her mother asked me to go to their house in the morning because she told me that they will go to the mall and was inviting me to join for lunch. Fortunately, the boyfriend got lazy to go to work, so we went together.

Before lunch, we went to the mall. We walked around and let the kids play for an hour. My boyfriend went to buy for new shorts and tshirts. And this is the frustrating part: So he said that he will buy me a notebook & pen or a book, whatever I wanted. BUT!!!!! When I was about to look for the book that I was looking for, the bookstore was cleaning the shelves, and most of the books were gone and the shelves were not properly arranged. So I decided to just look for a cute notebook for my attempt to bullet journalling. BUT AGAIN!!!!!! The notebooks were all cream ruled paper, I was about to get one with dotted paper but it happened they have nothing with that kind. So we end up walking to the department store, hoping they have the notebook that I was looking for. But yesterday was not for me. I end up buying nothing!!!!! :——-[

Okay, let me tell you something about my boyfriend.

He doesn’t like loooong walks. So when we are in the mall, and I am in the middle of checking out the stores that I want or even browsing books in the bookstore, he always wants to go home early or make this silly excuse of having a bad stomachache etc etc. He pisses me off BIG time whenever he reasons that out!!! I’ll know if he doesn’t want to walk anymore when I hear him tsk tsk tsk ang his face becomes looooong while we are walking and that irritates me more.

We are totally opposite, but they say opposites attract. Well, I won’t say something about that. Hahahaha!

We had our dinner at their house, and went home past 8 o’clock. I know I still had time to write my Sunday Currently but I was so dead-tired from the walking anf feeling irritated that I just want to tuck myself to bed and just sleep.

That’s it. That’s how my Sunday went. I am still sad about not getting a good notebook & pen. But that’s okay, he told me that we can look for it this week. ❤ ❤

UPDATE: Oh no, Oh no. Time to meet the parentals (!!!!!)

So here’s a little update on what happened last night.

It was 5:30pm when the boyfriend messaged me that they were on their way to our place. My initial reaction was to panic because my sister left me alone with my little brother without any notice, and I had no freaking idea what to do. She knew that my boyfriend’s mother was coming but still left me. I was pissed off a little at her. My sister and I planned to cook for dinner and I asked her if she can cook (I am not good at cooking, sorry. XD) but then, like what I said, she left without saying a word. So I messaged my boyfriend again to ask what should I do. He replied saying that they brought the food and need not to worry. So I was relieved.

My boyfriend arrived first because he has his own motorcycle, and after a few minutes, they all arrived: his mother and sister with her husband and daughter. So I welcomed them, smile here and there, fighting the nerves that has been building up since that morning. But I think it wasn’t awkward at all. :—-)

I was too shy to talk so I let them sit comfortably first. Thanks to my boyfie, he’s the one who served the juice because I was still panicking inside though I was smiling and trying to talk to them. Thankfully, they started the conversation, asking me if it was just the three of us (my siblings) who stayed in our place. I said yes because my mother stayed in their staff house, and just go home once or twice a week. After that, the conversation went smoothly. (*sigh* of relief)

While waiting for my mother to arrive, we talked about so many things like our place was too far, and if I continue my studies here it will be a long travel for me to go to the university, etcetera etcetera. My nervousness slowly fade away and I became more comfortable talking to her, and I think it was so nice. (OK, I know whatever I said in my last post was all in my mind.)

It was past 7pm when my mother got home. She said she was stuck in a heavy traffic and it was raining so hard. So they hugged each other and all smiles and all, talk a little, as if they were not chatting with each other *eye rolls*, before we have our dinner.

The night went well, and the topic was not mentioned (I AM SO HAPPY! HAHAHAHAHA!) I know this post should be about that. And yes — GOOD NEWS, it didn’t came up in their conversation and I am relieved. Honestly, I don’t know what will be my reaction if that happens. It was past 8pm when they bid goodbye with a smile on their faces and telling us that they will visit again soon if there’s time. 😀

 

 

Oh no, Oh no. Time to meet the parentals (!!!!!)

I never met the parentals of my past boyfriends (my current boyf is an exemption); I just don’t like the idea of meeting them (until now, I hate that idea). Don’t get me wrong, ofc I want to meet them but to stay close to them? I think it will be kinda hard for me to do that AS OF NOW, being just the girlfriend. I am serious about my relationships (If you think that I am not) and I think it doesn’t matter (in my opinion) if I don’t meet the parents straightaway or maybe if he just want me to meet them so that they can know that their son has a girlfriend where he spend all his allowance to but no, I didn’t agreed to meet one in my past relationships not until now (which is another story). Maybe that’s how (I think) I keep my relationship steady. I don’t know.

I am anxious right now, if that’s the right word to describe what I am feeling right now. Tomorrow I will meet my boyfriend’s mother and I don’t know what to do. I have no idea at all. Having no experience on how to deal with this kind of situation, the red alarm is on!!! 

I’ve seen her over skype (that’s okay with me) and talk to her over the phone and we are friends on Facebook but the idea of meeting her in person feels so jittery. And having heard from my mother that she wants to talk about me marrying her son, and I was like OHHHHHH WAIT. WHAT?! I AM ONLY 22 AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I am like this towards her. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like her. I like her. She’s being kind to me and I feel that I am already part of their family, she’s being considerate and I almost feels that she’s like another mother to me. But MARRIAGE is a different thing. Funny that other parents will forbid marriage not until their daughter and/or son reached 28 or have a stable job before settling down. THIS. IS. SO. DIFFERENT. I. WANT. TO. CRY. 

I am not ready, that’s the truth. I already opened this up to my boyfriend and he has no idea about it either. I know that this is not part of our plan but I still made sure that he understands where I am coming from without offending him. I still have a lot of things that I want to do with my life and it is the same with my boyfriend and

let’s face it: I AM ONLY 22. 22, I should travel more. 22, I should have a stable job and make tons of money. 22, I should just enjoy my life without thinking of anything. 22, I should be having movie dates with my BOYFRIEND. UGH, I AM ONLY 22, PEOPLE!!!!

I have already enough rumors on my hand and I can’t take more. Don’t get me wrong again, ofc I want to marry my boyfriend. What’s the sense of having a 1 year 6 months relationship if we will not end standing beside each other at the front of the altar, right? Sounds cheesy but what I am trying to say is, it SHOOKT me!! lmao. 

WOOOOH. I almost type this post without a pause because this has been rampaging my mind since I heard it from my mom. Hoping that tomorrow will just be a simple bonding and get-to-know-each-other situation than opening up that topicGAAAAAAHD, I DON’T KNOW HOW MY MOTHER WILL REACT IF THAT HAPPENS. She always keep on reminding me (since she talked about it with my boyf’s mom; YES, they talk over chat) that my boyfriend and I should talk about it and should not agree with that idea now (and that’s what I really want) because she still wants me to continue and focus with my school first and ofc to be more ready before entering that chapter of my life.

this blog doesn’t exist outside the blogosphere and here’s why:

As much as possible I keep this blog’s existence unknown to the people I know which includes (1) my family and (2) some of the closest friends because the very reason why I made this little space in the internet is to get away from their eyes.

I re-activated my Facebook just for them so that they know that I am still alive and breathing but I am not much active there (because my feed is full of sh*ts and toxic people & the negativity is sort of contagious, and I am keeping myself away from that bacause I have enough of those) and so in Instagram. I rarely post any photos of mine because (1) my iPhone’s broken, not that I can’t use the camera of it but (2) I lost interest on posting any photos of mine. I felt like I am telling the whole world that I am happy and smiling on the outside and have no problem at all but in reality it is the opposite.

I just wanted a space for me to write all my thoughts without being judge by those eyes. You know that feeling right? I am not hiding nor being safe here. I am the kind of person who’s not comfortable talking to a relative or even if you are my best friend. Coming from an experience where I am trying to be open to them and instead of expecting them to console me or understand me, they put me to blame and from then, I started keeping it to myself.

And luckily found this little space. Here I don’t feel alone, no one’s judging me and my words and most of all, I am learning from other’s experiences. I crave for those consolations and understandings before but thanks to this, I dont need it anymore.

 

Of love letters & whatnot

Looking back when I received my ever first love letter, mind you it was given to me by one of my teachers, surprisingly opened the door without knocking, in the middle of a lecture, asking if I am in the class, flushed as I may seemed, and naively knew nothing about what’s happening that time, not knowing that it will also be my ever first heartbreak.

Sophomore year – hormone-raging, going out after class, holding hands and kiss in between breaks, nothing more special when you first experience all of these. Thinking how it all started, makes me remember all the bittersweet remnants of my ever first relationship.

Being loud and outgoing, as I attended a private school, I was familiar with every faces in my year. High school was pretty extraordinary experience for me. Until one day, it was the day before my summer break, someone asked me, through a written note, what my phone number was. My guy friends, being overly protective over me, was the one who gave a reply to the note, saying that I lost my phone and he can’t get my number. I thought that it will be my last encounter with the anonymous guy but I was wrong.

It was the day of finishing all of my requirements and signing of clearance, which was tiring because of the hide-and-seek that all the teachers had mastered playing, then I bumped onto him, not knowing that he was the one who sent me the note.

At first, I was hesitant to talk to him because I had an impression of him, not because I was interested but my classmates went all crazy, having crush on him. He’s one year ahead of me (so he’s in his junior year) and was kinda popular because he was part of the varsity team. I heard rumors about him being a chic-magnet, and kinda jerk. But, he kept on asking what’s my name and even told me that the first time he laid his eyes on me was when he watched our performance on our recognition day (that was the day before summer break). Aware of his tactics as my friends warned me about him, all the chitchats and stories made-up, he continued with all the sweetened words and the eagerness to get my number that time, still I didn’t gave him the pleasure of having my number.

Summer came, and I received an unknown text, wondering who might it be. I replied, asking who he/she was and where he/she got my number. After a long thread of avoiding my who’s and how’s and fooling playing around, he introduced himself. I had a feeling that it was him and I was right but curious on how he got my number. Since then, he started texting every now and then, sending morning texts, calling me at times, asking how my day was and asking some personal questions that I intended not to answer in the open. He put up a great interest on me the whole summer that all the thoughts of him being an ass, a jerk, a chic-magnet suddenly vanished away. I am not sure how or when I find him comfortable to talk to with, and all of a sudden, here I am, fond of him and letting myself latch on every words that he’s telling me, capturing my naive and fragile heart. That was the time I felt that I was pretty, that I also have it on myself, that I can be someone’s girlfriend, that I can be more than a normal girl living with her fictional crushes and sealed-up fantasies.

So, the classes resumed and I was feeling nervous, not because I was in my third year, but the idea of seeing him in the corridors. My heart’s thumping louder, beating faster than usual, thinking how will I act in front of him face to face. Until in the middle of June, it was our recess, I went to the canteen to buy something to eat and when I came back to my room, there he was standing at the front door, waiting for me. I was kinda embarrased that time, saw my mates looking at us, without knowing that something’s happening. They were not aware that we were texting each other the whole summer and I was shock when he asked me, right in that moment, standing at the front door, if I can be his girlfriend. And unconsciously, I said yes.

I know that it was the pressure that pushed me to say yes to him but at some point, I was already attracted to him. That time, I have no idea of how relationship works but I tried to be someone’s girlfriend. All I felt in those first few weeks was pure happiness, that’s because it was my first. I grew more of him, one month has passed, and still it was okay. It was hard for me to go on dates that time because I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. He knew that, so we kept our relationship in secret. And with that, I knew it was wrong all along.

I knew that my decision of saying yes to him bothered me at first but I put it at the back of my mind and not considering all the what ifs and what’s gonna happen. Maybe another reason was the pressure I felt when he asked me that time. I don’t know what to do and the idea of him being rejected in front of my mates also concerned me. And that’s why I knew I put myself in my own misery, my ever first heartbreak. I knew all along that I was not ready for it but still situated myself on a very hard situation, adding all the lies I kept from home. I knew that it will not stay longer. I oversee it. I put aside all the warnings and all the signs that led to a wrong spot.

I was cheated on.

He cheated on me. With a lower year. A Sophomore.

I was wrecked. Devastated. It crushed me into pieces. My ever first heartbreak.

Funny thing was, the girl who caught the attention of my exboyfriend, was an acquaintance of mine. I talked to her over chat at times. I remembered her asking how my relationship was going and I, not knowing that she’s seeing my ex-boyfriend secretly behind my back, replied that it was okay. I caught him talking to her sometimes but the idea’s not coming to me. Obliviously thought that they were just friends. And that’s why I broke up with him.

Our relationship lasted for two months and twenty-two days – my ever first heartbreak. The letters and notes that I got from him were still with me, a reminder of how my heart was shattered into pieces and my bittersweet connection with him. I never regret it because it has opened my mind to think of every decision that I will make in the future – life-wise or relationship-wise.

***

Ha! The book Why We Broke Up is to blame for this long post of gushing words of reminiscing. I just remembered collecting letters and notes. I always love reading written notes and because we are now in the era where we can send messages over texts and videos, letters will always be precious to me.

Do you have any break-up stories to share? Let me know and have a little chitchat about it. Hahahaha. 😀