i have a feeling

that things are going well right now. aside from not having episodes of being sad for nothing and well, thinking that all the odds are against me, but something good happened last night and i didn’t expect it.

you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will never ever judge you, even though you made the worst thing in the world. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will make you realize your mistakes and not blame you for doing that, thus he will makes fun of you because of the mistake you’ve done. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who knows you more than anyone else, a person who can distinguish your true emotions behind your laugh, or even when you don’t say a word, they already know what you want to say. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who can ride with your jokes and silly games and at the same time, talks about serious matter about life and other things. you’ll never have a chance to meet a person who will hang out with you all day and buys you a tub of ice cream when you need it. and if you already found a person like this, treasure him/her because they are one of a kind.

well, i have this friend. i considered him as a best friend back in high school and we lost in touch because some things happened. for two years we didn’t talk, we said things to each other out of anger and disappointment, and at the same time, he moved out of the country with his family, that’s why we never had a chance to talk about what happened and get things right and i thought i will never be able to talk to him again.

i am shookt lol. literally shocked, that’s my initial reaction. i really didn’t know what or how to reply. imagine after not talking for two years as in no message or even hi or hello and all of the things we said to each other, it took minutes for me before i realized that he really messaged me, saying that he missed me. and the craziest, awkward part is i ย just replied “uyyyyyyyyyyy” with a crying emoticon pa! gaaad.

i won’t talk about the rest of our conversation, but i am really really really happy that we are okay now and he actually said sorry for not talking to me for two damn years. hahaha. i understand him on the part of not talking to me because i know i somehow i hurt him, even though it was not really my intention.

i really value friendship over everything that’s why i felt sad and guilty of what happened between us. i have few real friends that are really for keeps and i am so lucky to have them in my life. โค

 

4 days with toffy๐Ÿ’•

after 5 looooong years, we got to see each other again. if i remember it right, the last time we saw each other was when we’re still in university, and that time we barely see each other that much though we’re in the same campus. ๐Ÿ˜‚ funny that we didn’t even plan seeing each other this time, but i am beyond happy that we got to catch up and do fun things together again. it’s really true that it’s better not to plan things because it will surely happen.

from a 3-hour drive from manila, she stayed here in pampanga for 4 days; that 4 days were full of stories and catching up–from boys to rants and about life and future plans. we never ran out of stories and chikas to share. she never changed, she’s still that talkative and funny and crazy girl that i know. ๐Ÿ˜‚

i already shared some of the things we did from day 1 & 2 here, and now i’ll be sharing where we went in her day 3 & 4 of her stay here in pampanga. i am really excited to share this with you guys!๐Ÿ’–


there’s a mini falls located here called dara falls, and for about less than an hour walk from our house, you can go and see the beauty of it. she’s into mountain hiking and that sort of adventures, that’s why we decided to tour her around a little. though it’s just a small one, she was so ecstatic and giddy and excited. you can see in her eyes, right?

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we enjoyed the water and took a lot of pictures (i already pick the good ones because most of it are stolen shots, imagine what our faces look like ๐Ÿ˜‚) that’s all we did on her day 3.

luckily on the last day of her stay here, my boyfriend’s mother decided to have a quick getaway. they planned to go swimming in poracay and they tagged us along. i, myself, got excited because it was my first time there. fyi: it is a well-known resort here in porac, pampanga. there’s so many swimming pools and other activities that you can experience: there’s zipline and kayak (paddle boats). also, there’s a man-made lagoon where you can rent a kayak.

before anything else, KILAY IS LIFE. ๐Ÿ˜‚

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my sister brought her waterproof eye brow kit, and you know the drill: kilay first before swimming. LOL. and after that, we walked around first to take pictures and whoa, we never thought that it was really a big resort. but still, we enjoyed it even we got burn under the sun because we captured a lot of photos to be posted in our instagram accounts. hahahaha ๐Ÿ˜‚


to wrap up everything: i am so happy that she enjoyed her stay here in pampanga. even if it was a really short time, we got to catch up everything and we got more closer than before. she said that she would like to come back and stay here again. ๐Ÿ˜‚ we already decided to have our samgyeopsal night when she comes back and i am super excited for that.

one step backward, two steps forward

we always makes mistakes, that’s normal; it makes us more human. we don’t need to blame ourselves and others for our mistakes, thus we make it as an eye-opener to be a better version of ourselves. we sometimes ignore the lessons learned when we make mistakes, and because of that, we make the same mistake again.

before, i always step backward, stayed there for a very long time and never move forward. i always took my time to devour all the mistakes i have done, savored all the bitterness and self-pity and hatred came from it and never realised that i was becoming a miserable, wasted human being.

i made myself to be in the state where i was so in denial, confused, full of hate, always pity herself and build a wall where not everyone can enter. not until i felt alone — i started to isolate myself, thinking that if i did that, i won’t make any mistake, but i was wrong.

i always step backward when i should step forward. i should step forward, and forgive myself for my own mistakes and learn from it. i should never take a step backward and put myself in that miserable state when i just need to have two steps forward, accept my mistakes, and feel better. take a step backward to see the image of yourself — on how devastated, miserable you were when you keep on blaming yourself with that single mistake, then take a step forward to release yourself from that blame, put away all the blame aside, think of all the things that will make up for that mistake and do it. that’s the right thing to do.

maybe we can take a step backward, take that step to make yourself realize all the wrong things you’ve done, then after that, don’t forget to take two steps forward; to freed yourself from all the blame and make up for that mistake; that will make you grow as a better person.

always remember to take a step forward.

note to self

i know that you have so much regrets in the past, and that you can’t go back in time to change any of it. but i just want to say that it’s okay, you are still okay and you’ll be okay. but

i wished you were strong enough that time, strong enough to make your own decisions and not get easily swayed with a single word; that you had the gut to say whatever it is in your heart, whether if it’s right or wrong. i know it has been hard for you to keep all those words to yourself and all those misunderstandings and shortcomings. now, i am saying this to you: don’t be afraid of what others might think or say about you. it’s more important to open yourself up, say what you really want to say, may it be an opinion or an argument and even if others might don’t understand you, at least you have said what you really wanted to say.

i wished you got to experience life more, though there’s more. i know you wanted to please everyone around you before, that’s why you acted upon their approval and forgot to let yourself to had fun. i know it was your choice too but what i am trying to say is, i wished you go out more with your friends, had your sleepover and movie nights. i know you always say no because you always think of what your family would say. you don’t want them to be disappointed, that you only think of was their expectations. but you see, i think what you did was so selfish. you were being selfish on yourself. you never let yourself to live life and you focus more on other’s opinion, but the truth is, you forgot to have your own opinion on yourself. now, i am saying this to you: YOLO: you only live once so make the most out of life. you don’t want to regret all the things that you should have done so start now.

maybe you think that it was too late but it’s not. you have more time in your hands. you are still young, and there’s more adventures and trials yet to come along your way but you’ll be fine, i promise and i believe in you. you just need to open your eyes in all possibilities and just do what makes you happy. also, don’t expect too much — on life in general.

you deserve to live a happy life!

there’s something about sunsets

The sun’s setting down, leaving some shades of red and orange; a majestic view I longed for before the day ends — a proof that endings are beautiful too. The warmth that it gives, added a calming effect to wash away the jitters creeping onto me as the night unfolds into the skyline. Sure there’s something about sunsets.

I love how its color seeps through in my windows, reflecting its beauty even if I chose to lock myself in my box-type room, washing away the sullen state of it. Maybe, just maybe, it’s just a sign that gives off a glimpse of what’s more outside my window, and all I need to do is to open that window or step out of the room.

Even if we had a long day, good or bad, something beautiful is waiting for us at the end of the day.

Such a beautiful life we have, and all we need is to admire and enjoy the beauty of it. Even if it’s the end of the day or the beginning, we always have something to be thankful for.

I once had a best friend (and other stories)

I am very jealous, envious rather, when I see my sister and her best friend. I am very opened to them on how I wished to have that kind of friendship but never had a chance or I had a chance but didn’t get a hold of it for a very long time. My sister and her best friend had known each other for eight long years. Would you imagine that? And until now, though Pinky, her best friend’s name, moved to Mindoro and decided to live there for two years after living with us for a long time. I think this will be the first time that those two would be separated from each other.

They are very close up to the point where they share almost everything — clothes, foods, house, (and even boyfriend. Lol — but it is true. Her boyfriend is everyone’s boyfriend. Not that he’s sleeping with everyone, but he acts as a boyfriend to all of us since we already knew each other personally and we lived in the same roof whenever they wanted and I think that’s cute and sweet.) plus she’s cool with that.

I once had a best friend. I met her in second grade, we were in the same class. I remember she’s alone and since our surname starts with letter M, we were in the same line in the seat plan and became close since then. But in our third grade, I transferred school and I felt sad that time because I wasn’t going to see her if I transferred school. I moved to a public school because I think we were financially challenged that time and my mother was working abroad that time, that was the time I experienced to be bullied since I came from a private school. After the bullying incident, and when my grandmother knew about it because my grades went down from the line of 9’s to 7’s, she decided to transfer me back to the private school that I enrolled before and I remember being happy that time; not because I will be free from those kids who bullied me, but I will be able to see my friend again.

Luckily, I was in the same class with my friend J and since then, we became best friends. We graduated, and went to high school together. Soon we entered high school, our friendship started to fade out. Since grade school, we have the same class together. We have the same circle of friends, but when we set foot as a high school-er, things became different. We were no longer in the same class. We met different people and created new circle of friends. We were still close but not that close compared when we were in grade school. That made me sad. Until we graduated high school, little did we notice that our friendship faded out and we didn’t know how it happened.

I had another best friend, but this time it was a boy best friend. I met him in my junior year and through a mutual friend. I never thought that I will be close to him. At first, it was awkward because I felt unsure if he really wanted friendship or more than that. I was not wrong, he attempted to ask me to be his girlfriend but I said no. I reasoned out that I find him comfortable, that I don’t want to lose him, that he’s the only person that time that I trusted the most. And since that confession, we somehow lost our communication. Maybe to find what we really wanted or maybe he was hurt from what I said. But not too long, he talked to me again and said that he was cool being only my best friend. Up until now, we’re still best friends, but we don’t talk that often because of our personal relationships. My boyfriend and her girlfriend were the jealous type, and I totally understand it. What’s important to me is I get to talk to him when I have my problems and same with him.

But, what do you think about that? Being not able to talk casually with your guy best friend (if you were a girl) just because of the girlfriend? This is my say about it: before you had your girl, you knew me first right? So why not talk to me AND YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND FOR GOOD’S SAKE? Where were you when I needed someone to talk to? And to the jealous-type girlfriends of my best friend: It’s not like I’ll snatch him away from you. *eye rolls* HAHAHAHA!

 Am I being selfish here? LOL.

Uhhhh. But now, I am good having my boyfriend as my “best friend”, though he’s not acting like one. LOL. But I am contented having him as my confidante, my endorphin and my breather. โค

But I’m going to leave this here: So how do we consider someone as a best friend, really? Is it about the time you’ve known each other or even though you just met that person in a short time, the connection was enough? I really want to read your thoughts. ๐Ÿ™‚

an anecdote of a girl who never played her dolls

Though I have no vivid images of how my childhood was, I somehow remember some experiences that I had. And like any other kids, I remember having toys and dolls but the difference is, I wasn’t able to play my dolls.

I remember having so many dolls: Barbie? You name it. I have a complete set with houses, wardrobes, and pets. Not just barbies, I also have a life-size kitchen set for kids. Most of it was given to me as a gift on my birthdays & Christmas and the rest was bought by my grandmother. But, I never played them.

I don’t remember who put it in a nice clear plastic and displayed it. The boxes were never opened. But I remember what my grandmother said when I asked if I can play with my dolls:ย baka masira lang, pag laki mo na. (it might just break, you can play it when you grow up) and since I was just a kid that time, I agreed. Years passed, I never able to play with it until I get in high school. I don’t remember what happened to my dolls, maybe my mother gave it to my cousins I don’t know, and just like that, it disappeared before my eyes.

I said to myself that if ever I will have a daughter, I will buy her dolls and let her play with it whenever she wants. I always wanted to play dolls — like braiding the hair, change her from gowns to dresses, and ofc play my dolls with a friend. I want my daughter to experience what I haven’t. I don’t want her to live like me; no clear images of how my childhood was. I want her to remember every single day of her childhood. I want her to make good memories even if she’s still a kid.

If ever there’s a room with a time machine, I will go back to when I asked my grandmother if I can play with my dolls, and even if she didn’t allow me to play with it, I will sneak out of my room and get my doll from the display and play with it. ๐Ÿ˜€

PS: I remember playing paper dolls but a real barbie doll was better, right? Hahahaha.