last night

I wasn’t feeling okay.

it was 10 p.m. when we went to bed. I was still okay that time but few minutes later, when he was about to turn off the lights, I don’t know what triggered it, but suddenly I found myself crying. he asked me what’s wrong but I, myself, didn’t know what’s wrong with me. I felt like choking with words that I should, at least, utter to him like some sort of explanation but tears drowned me instead. and we were suddenly quiet.

I don’t know what he was thinking and the silence was deafening. maybe he’s feeling uncomfortable again, like the last time. but seriously, I can’t find the reason why I was like that. then he talked. I was right. he asked me if I hate him, if I don’t love him anymore with a tone as if he done something wrong. then I cried harder. he just enveloped me with his arms, there’s another silence but that time I find it comfortable.

here I am again, overthinking over things I should not think of in the first place but I just can’t shoo them away. I am so selfish. I am so mean. I am so unfair. maybe sooner rather than later, he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. I hope he’ll not get tired of me.

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the sunday currently | 11

tsc11

yay for sundays! I skipped four sundays because I don’t know why(?) lol. but seriously I feel so unproductive, or is it just me being lazy? whatever. but I missed writing TSC as if it is the only thing that makes me think of something and feel a little bit active, but not really. ugh what nonsense do I babble now?

but I must say that coffee really makes my day though I prefer Nescafe’s cappuccino than white espresso but nonetheless it was pretty good morning. as I was craving for rice cake since yesterday, the boyfriend is running late for work because of my rice cake. I feel like he’s blaming me for being late, again. *sigh* I need to sit through this good mood for me to have a really good day so I didn’t mind him pouting on me. so;

CURRENTLY

Reading tweets. my timeline is not that toxic than before, I am glad. gosh have you seen Julia Barretto’s tweet — she made a special video for Joshua Garcia’s 20th birthday. ohhh my heart ♡ I am not a fan of JoshLia but I really feel the love. hahahaha

Listening to taylor swift singing vance joy’s riptide in bbc radio 1 live lounge — I really love the song.

Thinking of how sensitive I was in the past few months. I am okay but sometimes I feel like I really don’t want to face people or just even talk to them. my boyfriend noticed it and just kept quiet maybe because he knew that I was not in the mood. I get irritated for nothing and I hate that feeling. ugh!!

Hoping that something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today.

Wearing black sando and maong short.

Loving the Christmas-y vibe. time flies so fast I can feel the cold “ber” wind already. it’s more better if they start selling bibingka and puto bumbong with pandan tea. *yum*

Wanting to buy new books and get myself back to reading. I also want to learn how to play DOTA so that I would know why the boyfriend is so addicted to it. worst is,  sometimes he’s playing until 5 a.m. like what the hell are you doing? why play when you can sleep? then he’ll reason out: minsan lang naman ako maglaro eh. — whatever.

Needing nothing. oh, no, I need some $$$. lol

Feeling good right now. seriously, I need to be like this the whole day. pls pls pls self, ok?

Clicking nothing. 🙂

hope y’all have a great sunday!!! 😀

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

♡ A

the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

why on earth am I having these kind of dreams?

Last night I had a hard time sleeping but that’s not even the end of it, I woke up with cold sweat from a crazy dream. I think I already shared some of my (weird)crazy dreams here on my blog, and as much as possible I want to remember all of it (maybe it will be a sign, something like that. Lol) but we have dreams that can be easily forgotten and some of it still remain as it is, clear and vivid.

But last night was different. I don’t know why I have that kind of dream. I remember parts of it but not everything. It’s scary and tiring, gosh, I don’t even know where/how to start.

So from what I remember, I was in a building. I don’t know where it was and it was nighttime. And after walking around, I found myself running. Run, run, run, my head says. I felt out-of-breath but still I ran. And when I turned my head, there are men who were catching me, I am not sure with this part, but it seemed like they were after me because I hold something important that they want to get from me. I ran, without knowing the exit. The worst part is, I was cornered and they were all perverts. Gosh, I still have the chills. And then, I woke up. Crazy, right?

Should I be careful with men around me? There’s a lot of silly ideas coming out in my head. I am afraid to go out, thinking that there’s a stranger waiting for me. Gaaaahd. Or maybe, I will be sexually assaulted, by whom? Pls, don’t judge. But seriously, these thoughts keep on running in my head.

Sometimes the idea of sleeping scares me. Or even just the time when the sun sets, I know that it will be night again. Scared that something will appear in my windows, or I’ll be having another dream. I know, it’s silly but still. I don’t know when it all started—this feeling of uneasiness and anxiety when the night unfolds. Ohhh, I wish I won’t have any bad, crazy dreams again.

Btw, I have a new kitten. He’s so cute and his color is gray. What should I name him? Hmmm.

♡ A

sleep, pls come to me

Sleep—the only thing that I craved for these past few days and I don’t even know why I am having a hard time sleeping when I have nothing in my head. Sure that’s a good thing: having nothing to think of, but even though that’s the case, I just can’t have a good night sleep.

It‘s already 11:44 p.m., I am typing this while my boyfriend is sleeping like a baby beside me, and I am feeling envious on how he can sleep in a short span of time while I already counted from 1 to 100 in my head and pondered on things that I don’t usually think of, still I am far being sleepy.

Okay, I don’t know where this entry will go, but let me share with you guys how my day went.

So I slept in my boyfriend’s place yesterday because today was his day-off and the plan was to do the laundry. Yes, he did the laundry. Lol. The thing is, I really hate doing the laundry, even washing the dishes because it always make my hands so dry and itchy. It was very convenient when we do our laundry in their house because they have a dryer. So while waiting for him to finish, I download another k-drama series and a movie, Love Rain and You are my Pet (if you are familiar), and read some blogs too.

It was 6pm when we decided to go home, but first we headed to a gift shop to buy a gift for his inaanak. And luckily, there’s a new Daiso Japan store so we checked it out first. AND TODAY IS MY DAY. I found a very cute notebook and cute stationeries, and the good boyfriend bought it for me. Hahaha! After 173538272 years, I have a new notebook. Then, we had cheeseburger and fries from McDo for dinner and went home.

Days are always like this for me—monotonous and ordinary. Nothing much happened to me lately. Aside from having a hard time sleeping, I am so fine being bored and not being sad or depressed, which is good news ofc.

Time check: 12:28 a.m., and my eyes started to feel heavy, and I am feeling it already. Time to hit the sack. Good night.

♡ A

what’s inside my head?

it’s definitely not a chaos, at least that’s what i think. i always have, or make rather, these sequence of images, frame by frame, inside my head then i’ll be replaying it, like dailies, filtering all the unwanted shots and picking out the good ones. sometimes i make something good out of it, but not all the time.  or maybe i was just out of good shots?

there is no script, it is all impromptu. so i don’t really know how the stories in my head goes or even end. but i like it—the spontaneity, the rawness, while my subconscious playing with it. that’s a good thing for me, i guess. for i need an escape, and i mastered it, disguise it through a flick.

but i don’t want it only in my head, i thought.