When meeting people’s expectations

Expectation is a big word. I know this will make or break you but of course it is up to you on what will be the result of the actions you will make. This will be sound selfish and unapologetic but please try to understand where I am coming from.

This is not a rant post (maybe it will look like one but it is not). It has been on my mind especially when this sudden feeling of emptiness starts to creep in; it happens to me lately. And I think I just need to declutter these thoughts so that I can ease myself from thinking too much.

I know that it is not big of a deal if people have expectations from you, ofc that’s normal. But if that expectations become too much, everything becomes more of the result of other’s expectations than doing it for yourself. I kind of feel that way right now. Yes, I wanted to do something because of them. All the decisions in the past resulted from what they expect from me to do and I regretted it. I regret saying all those YES’s when I should say NO and from every clothes that I wore to the things that I bought that I don’t even want to wear just because they say so, I regret it all. If I ever knew that I will be like this, I could have done it my way but what’s done is done.

I never wore dresses that I liked because they prefer shirts and jeans. When I tried to wear lipstick and powder, they made me feel that I shouldn’t because they say that simplicity is beauty. I am a good student and I want to share all the things that I know but they told me that I shouldn’t because all the knowledge that I had will be passed on whoever I will help. It felt wrong for me but I just did what they say because that is what they expect me to do.

I want to study Tourism but they told me that they don’t like the idea of me travelling far away from home and they were afraid if something happens on the airplane that I was in so I studied Communications instead. I am on my third year and completing all the necessary requirements for my OJT when all of a sudden, without a word, took that year off. They say that it was okay even though I can’t didn’t finish my degree because I can easily find a job because I was smart. They also told me that my aunt didn’t finish her pre-med either but she had the life that she wanted, so silently I said okay, it is fine. But my heart crushed into pieces and until now it still shattered, missing some of its pieces, not knowing if I can still find those missing pieces and put it back in place.

I don’t know if those expectations were for me or for them, but one thing’s for sure — it broke me. I tried to understand them and did my best to meet those expectations but where am I right now? I am indebted to them for the life that I had and still feel lucky to have them. But I just felt something’s missing inside me and the only thing that I can blame for is myself — that I cared so much and remained silent.

My coffee doesn’t tastes good this morning

I have a lot in mind lately but I don’t even know how to put it in words. Blogging has been a great help in decluttering all the necessary thoughts but sometimes, there are times that it is not enough. Not enough to overcome the overwhelming feelings bottling inside me and I just can’t. I am not sad and I am totally fine (I think) but there is something that I can’t make sense of.

This is what I don’t like when I feel so hyper and ecstatic: that when I wake up the next day, the emptiness started filling me up again and it is so damn frustrating that I can’t even think of the right word to describe what I am feeling today.

It’s Monday today and sunny. But the clouds inside me start to form into cumulus and the sun hides away behind it (or is it the opposite?)

the sunday currently | 05

I woke up a little early today, had a good night sleep, but stayed a little longer in bed before I finally get up. Just across my bed is my window, and it’s quite a view seeing two birds playing along and the chirping sounds makes my Sunday morning more calm and relaxing.

It was raining cats and dogs last night, you won’t hear any noise aside from the heavy rain falls and thunders, that’s another reason why I slept well. I always like rainy days, especially when it rains at night, because it draws away all the unwelcome thoughts that boggling me. And with that, I already feel the rainy season here in the Philippines. ☔

So here’s another Sunday currently entry, and I won’t gab a lot anymore.

CURRENTLY 

Reading Wuthering Heights. It has been ages since I bought the book. Now I am trying to get back with the classics. I find myself not in the mood in reading any YA novels. I want something that will make me ponder on things, about life or self-love, something like that. Any book suggestions?

Writing (again) this Sunday Currently entry. Or maybe later, I’ll try to write more posts to be scheduled.

Listening to the sound of the electric fan & the chirping of the birds.

Thinking of what to buy for my inaanak. I’ll be visiting Manila on the 20th for his birthday. I find it so hard to think of a good item for him since I don’t see him that often. Hahaha! (And I am not good at buying gifts, for me it’s the thought that counts! 😁)

Hoping today will be a good day. I don’t want any dramas anymore (aside from K-dramas 😂) and also, I hope that my turtle-net will get a little faster because it sucks, BIG time.

Wearing my ever comfortable pajama.

Loving how I am starting to interact with the wordpress community. So many good blogs to stalk. I must say that I am enjoying here than when I was in Blogger. 💓

Wanting to be more productive like the past weeks. When I get my hand busy, my mind is at ease and I don’t think too much, which is better for my whole being (I am talking about how down I was last month, and that time I was so pathetic that I don’t even want to look back anymore.)

Needing a new wardrobe (?) Lol. I think I lack of many attires that I will be needing in the future, like formal and some casual. I need to buy new clothes, and shoes. Oh, and lip tints too.

Feeling great than ever. 😊

Clicking some entries of Sunday Currently. I am really enjoying writing this series and reading other people’s entry.

Hope you have a great Sunday, too! 🌻

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

On Alaska Young & the labyrinth

Considering life as a labyrinth, suffering will always be universal in human existence. Doubts, confusions and other mishaps, all of us suffers at some point in our lives or another. Some will question why are they suffering to the point that they even question themselves of why are they still alive. Or some will think of it as a challenge, that life has given to them.

The fear of the unknown, as what I can see, is one of the reasons why we are stuck in the labyrinth. The fact that we don’t know what will happen or the possibilities that might occur, this gives us the idea that we are getting lost along the way as we wander through the labyrinth. And as for Alaska who’s obsessively trying to get out of this labyrinth, she chose the way that it can easily get her out of it ― straight and fast. But does she really escaped this labyrinth?

Oblivious as it may seems, suffering has no end. Maybe we are looking for what’s gonna satisfy in our needs, or an answer to a question, or a medical miracle, but you can’t take away the idea of suffering on it. Thinking how excruciating to endure all these human emotions and finding out the unknown is what makes it more complex and impenetrable.

The need of unconditional love or longing for someone’s love can be emotionally painful but it is part of life that we are living in. The never-ending questions that need to be answered, we cannot find it in a blink of an eye. We live everyday just to find those answers. Or seeking a medical miracle, only God knows what will happen to us.

Pain and suffering is a state of mind. We can’t get rid off it but we can overcome it by enduring it and grasp the essence of it. The efforts we make so that we can free ourselves from the pain that we feel, one way or another, we are also at fault in all our sufferings because of how we apprehend things.

What I am trying to say is, getting out of the labyrinth is just a made up idea that humans had constructed and quite impossible to achieve because the labyrinth represents all the questions that left unanswered and there is no way out of it; diving into it, deeper and deeper into its bottomless pit, just traps you to a never ending conquest of blind alleys. But continuing to live life and finding out what’s more to life might get you wander alive in the labyrinth.

Straight and fast will never be an escape but learning how life goes on and letting yourself go with the flow is much easier than taking your life with your own hands. We always get frustrated and discouraged knowing that we can’t find any answers to our questions but knowing what’s significant to you might help you live in the labyrinth. You might not get out of it but what’s important is you are living with it.

***

I wrote this post because ever since I read John Green’s Looking for Alaska, like Alaska Young, I pondered and tried to answer the question marked in the book: How do I ever get out of this labyrinth? And honestly, it has been so hard trying to figure out the answer to this question. Maybe I am one of those people who are listless and hopeless to find what’s in store for me. I am the type of person who doubts everything around me. When I am wronged, I find myself in the corner, feeling guilty of what I have done. I must say that I also fear the unknown. Like Alaska, I am eager to find my way out of this suffering. Impulsive as it seems, it came to a point that I wanted it straight and fast too, but something inside me pulled me up and said that it isn’t the right way.

Anyways, I just wanted to say I really really loved this book. It made me question myself about life, the importance of it and how to deal with it. It will always be my favorite and if I have one book that I want to re-read over and over, I will say it, straight and fast, it is Looking for Alaska.