just a thought

yes. sometimes there are things that we get used to but these things can keep us alive or sometimes the other way around. we just need to accept it whether we like it or not; it’s part of life and it is inevitable, right? but I wonder why such things, of all the things that matter, just easily fade away. is it about the timing? or the space that we are in? or both?

I just dont know. I don’t know at all.

but I still believe that there’s a right place for everything. maybe not now or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. but soon, I am sure. when everything falls into place; without complications, hindrances and other rocks that will block along the way.

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the sunday currently | 12 // back to journals and green tea + I have something to share with you

the truth is (1) I am back to journalling since last month. I decided to write again in my notebook because there are certain things that even if I wanted to share it here, guess it is better for me not to. I know this space is for my unfiltered thoughts but sometimes my brain is acting up like a B and betray me with thoughts that I shouldn’t have in the first place. so far, I am enjoying it and it helps me a lot to de-clutter my not-so chaotic mind. ha! and (2) I am choosing tea over coffee right now. I think coffee makes me more sleepless at night and makes me feel bloated (I don’t know if that is the reason why) so the boyfriend bought 2 boxes of green tea and 2 bags of chamomile (which I love, it helps me sleep better) and mint tea (for him).

so here’s the thing: my aunt owns a cat and her cat gave birth to two adorable kittens earlier in the morning, one is black with a spot of white and the other one is pure white. my aunt informed me thru text and jokingly said that I am now a godmother to her kittens. I know she wanted to give me a kitten, knowing that I loss my mimichi. but I have a feeling that I should not take it. ugh. what should I do? what should I do? the kitten is so cute and I think the father cat has a breed so for sure the kittens will grow into a beautiful cat. deep inside I want it but my mind says no I should not.

CURRENTLY

Reading some blogs and I am reading All Our Wrong Todays by Elan Mastai on my phone, sort of a warm-up because I think I am on a reading slump for months now. I am trying to re-read some of my favorite novels but when I am starting to read it, I lost interest after a few pages and I don’t know why. I hate that feeling. I used to finish a book in two days but now I am having a hard time finishing a chapter. W H AT I S W R O N G W I T H M E ? ? I have so many unfinished book, left it halfway and pile it up back to the shelf together with dust but still I hope I can finish All Our Wrong Todays so that I can catch up with my TBR list.

Writing this sunday currently entry. :—)

Listening 

Thinking about how time flies so fast. I T I S N O V E M B E R now!!! I already feeling the christmas air and vibe. ugh, 2017 is going to end but still, the plot twist that I have been waiting for is not yet happening. but even though 2017 has been a rollercoaster ride, I am so much thankful for what’s given to me–life-wise: expectations and failures and experience and learnings.

Hoping that everything will be all right—that my sister will be much mature and more serious about life and relationship, that she learned her lessons and be more responsible for her own decisions and that Qatar will treat her much better than she deserves. though sometimes we have some misunderstandings but I hope she don’t take it to her heart because all I want for her is to be happy and I don’t want her to be trapped in a dark room, blaming herself and full of self-hatred. I know the feeling and I don’t want her to feel that too. I know that she’s much stronger person than me, I know that she can do it.

Wearing a cute pink panda pajama shorts. 😀

Loving my boyfriend. Hahaha because he’s being extra sweet these past few days. I don’t know what raw food he ate but I really like this side of him.

Wanting to buy a camera. really. calling the attention of the parentals!!!!! 

Needing a lot of washi tapes and stationery stuff for my notebook. the good boyfriend bought me a new notebook and a ball point pen with six colors. I really really love it!!!!!! ❤

Feeling contented and happy. 😀

Clicking nothing.

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

***

sunday is my favorite day of the week but two baskets of laundry is waiting for me. so, I think my sunday is a little bit productive, eh? hope y’all have a great and productive sunday too!

♡ A

I really really have a soft spot for cats & dogs but I think I should not have a pet. here’s why:

cats and dogs are like babies to me. they are like fur balls that wash away all the stress I have everyday and I am so thankful for their existence. I really have a soft spot for them that I think I am not good at taking good care of them. I get so emotional when they get sick, I get so emotional when they really like the food I give to them, and I get so emotional when I lost them. it hurts me as bad as, or much more rather, than a relationship break-up. I hate feeling that way. and as much as I want to take home all the stray cats on the street and feed them, I know I can’t.

today I woke up to a sad news. after a long day of finding my kitten yesterday, I found her this morning, cold and lifeless. my heart crushed into pieces and just cried in my room. I’ve been crying since the day I lost her. my poor mimi. </3 gosh, tears are coming out, again. I am so mad, so mad, that people are so cruel. I keep saying to myself that it is much better if someone found her and feed her that everything’s going to be okay because my mimi is so sweet and adorable and people will really like her. but this morning, I feel like I am wronged. I hate it. I really hate my neighborhood. this is not the first time. I also had a kitten before, but our neighbor found it but never returned it to me and you know what they did? they gave my kitten to the kids playing around their area and they know that I was looking for a kitten but they gave it to the kids anyway. I AM SO MAD. cats and dogs have feelings too.

I think I am not going to have a cat for a long time from now on. I hate myself. I’m a bad mother. I really really love cats but I think I am not ready to have one right now. I am emotionally not ready.

 

last night

I wasn’t feeling okay.

it was 10 p.m. when we went to bed. I was still okay that time but few minutes later, when he was about to turn off the lights, I don’t know what triggered it, but suddenly I found myself crying. he asked me what’s wrong but I, myself, didn’t know what’s wrong with me. I felt like choking with words that I should, at least, utter to him like some sort of explanation but tears drowned me instead. and we were suddenly quiet.

I don’t know what he was thinking and the silence was deafening. maybe he’s feeling uncomfortable again, like the last time. but seriously, I can’t find the reason why I was like that. then he talked. I was right. he asked me if I hate him, if I don’t love him anymore with a tone as if he done something wrong. then I cried harder. he just enveloped me with his arms, there’s another silence but that time I find it comfortable.

here I am again, overthinking over things I should not think of in the first place but I just can’t shoo them away. I am so selfish. I am so mean. I am so unfair. maybe sooner rather than later, he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. he’ll get tired of me. I hope he’ll not get tired of me.

the sunday currently | 11

yay for sundays! I skipped four sundays because I don’t know why(?) lol. but seriously I feel so unproductive, or is it just me being lazy? whatever. but I missed writing TSC as if it is the only thing that makes me think of something and feel a little bit active, but not really. ugh what nonsense do I babble now?

but I must say that coffee really makes my day though I prefer Nescafe’s cappuccino than white espresso but nonetheless it was pretty good morning. as I was craving for rice cake since yesterday, the boyfriend is running late for work because of my rice cake. I feel like he’s blaming me for being late, again. *sigh* I need to sit through this good mood for me to have a really good day so I didn’t mind him pouting on me. so;

CURRENTLY

Reading tweets. my timeline is not that toxic than before, I am glad. gosh have you seen Julia Barretto’s tweet — she made a special video for Joshua Garcia’s 20th birthday. ohhh my heart ♡ I am not a fan of JoshLia but I really feel the love. hahahaha

Listening to taylor swift singing vance joy’s riptide in bbc radio 1 live lounge — I really love the song.

Thinking of how sensitive I was in the past few months. I am okay but sometimes I feel like I really don’t want to face people or just even talk to them. my boyfriend noticed it and just kept quiet maybe because he knew that I was not in the mood. I get irritated for nothing and I hate that feeling. ugh!!

Hoping that something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today. something good will happen today.

Wearing black sando and maong short.

Loving the Christmas-y vibe. time flies so fast I can feel the cold “ber” wind already. it’s more better if they start selling bibingka and puto bumbong with pandan tea. *yum*

Wanting to buy new books and get myself back to reading. I also want to learn how to play DOTA so that I would know why the boyfriend is so addicted to it. worst is,  sometimes he’s playing until 5 a.m. like what the hell are you doing? why play when you can sleep? then he’ll reason out: minsan lang naman ako maglaro eh. — whatever.

Needing nothing. oh, no, I need some $$$. lol

Feeling good right now. seriously, I need to be like this the whole day. pls pls pls self, ok?

Clicking nothing. 🙂

hope y’all have a great sunday!!! 😀

join the sunday currently link-up by siddathornton

♡ A

the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

why on earth am I having these kind of dreams?

Last night I had a hard time sleeping but that’s not even the end of it, I woke up with cold sweat from a crazy dream. I think I already shared some of my (weird)crazy dreams here on my blog, and as much as possible I want to remember all of it (maybe it will be a sign, something like that. Lol) but we have dreams that can be easily forgotten and some of it still remain as it is, clear and vivid.

But last night was different. I don’t know why I have that kind of dream. I remember parts of it but not everything. It’s scary and tiring, gosh, I don’t even know where/how to start.

So from what I remember, I was in a building. I don’t know where it was and it was nighttime. And after walking around, I found myself running. Run, run, run, my head says. I felt out-of-breath but still I ran. And when I turned my head, there are men who were catching me, I am not sure with this part, but it seemed like they were after me because I hold something important that they want to get from me. I ran, without knowing the exit. The worst part is, I was cornered and they were all perverts. Gosh, I still have the chills. And then, I woke up. Crazy, right?

Should I be careful with men around me? There’s a lot of silly ideas coming out in my head. I am afraid to go out, thinking that there’s a stranger waiting for me. Gaaaahd. Or maybe, I will be sexually assaulted, by whom? Pls, don’t judge. But seriously, these thoughts keep on running in my head.

Sometimes the idea of sleeping scares me. Or even just the time when the sun sets, I know that it will be night again. Scared that something will appear in my windows, or I’ll be having another dream. I know, it’s silly but still. I don’t know when it all started—this feeling of uneasiness and anxiety when the night unfolds. Ohhh, I wish I won’t have any bad, crazy dreams again.

Btw, I have a new kitten. He’s so cute and his color is gray. What should I name him? Hmmm.

♡ A