hi,

you have no idea how much thankful I am having you in my life. though sometimes we have our petty fights or me being such a brat, but, gosh, I feel like I don’t deserve all the love that you are giving to me. you are always the one to understand, or should I say, you are the one to put a lot of patience in this relationship and for that, I am beyond thankful for your mere existence.

I thank God that I met you. maybe we are total opposite but opposites do attract, right? we learn to appreciate each other’s flaws and differences, and it may be tough sometimes but that’s  what makes our relationship much stronger.

I love you and everything about you. don’t  you ever forget that!

words really aren’t enough. I may not have a romantic bone in my system but I will keep saying this: I love you and that you should know this by now. even if I get mad at you over nothing, or if we have petty fights over little things, please know that I won’t get tired of you. I feel like I should be the one to say: I hope you won’t get tired of me. I only want to make plans with you and ONLY YOU.

Happy birthday, habibi.

I love you.

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the “three-month” curse

funny that I made up this “three-month curse” five years ago, maybe out of self-denial or the bitterness I had back then or I was just being witty that time–whatever. and right now, I don’t even know how to start this entry. lol.

either you have the feeling or you don’t. – hawk davies, from Daniel Handler’s why we broke up

I had few relationships before—just three actually, and it didn’t last that long. that’s why I came up with the “three-month” curse, thinking that it was given to me when I was still a baby for me to suffer ’til I get old. silly but true, that’s what I thought. let me tell you my story:

I was once a man-hater. from stories I heard from my lola about her love life (lol, though she ended up being single all her life and had all her time taking good care of us but she already passed away two years ago), about her suitors and how courting was like before, there was this notion that stuck in my head that men will only make me suffer and will only bring burdens in my life–that was before. not just that, I also experienced being bothered by a maniac in front of my school when I was in high school in broad daylight, and saw an exhibitionist right in front of my eyes (still gives me the chills, argh) maybe that’s the reason why I distance myself from men before. (not even my father or my lola knew this, I was scared to tell them.)

not until sophomore, a guy noticed me. he was a year ahead of me and I already had an impression of him, being the chic-magnet and he’s kinda popular that time. long story short, he asked my phone number. I actually didn’t give my number to him but he had his own ways. I learned that he asked one of my friends about my number. that’s when it all started. full story here. my relationship with him lasted only for two months and twenty two days, my ever first heartbreak.

after a year, there’s another guy. but this time I had a slow paced getting-to-know-each-other with him. he’s smart, funny and gentleman. it was a good start, I thought. days with him were calm but not ordinary. we knew each other more every single day, from the things we like and dislike to the plans we have in the future. he was full of sense and responsibility. but maybe there’s a reason why we meet a certain person and the reason why I met him was to wash away the hatred I had with my first love and the idea of love itself, and to know myself better. we made plans, his future and my future, of what would I/him like to be after we graduate. I was happy but maybe that time was not our time. (sounds cheesy?) our relationship only lasted for two months. there’s no third party, it was a mutual decision. but he’s the one who first opened the idea. FUTURE–that was his reason and I agreed. I don’t know why it was so easy for me to agree that time but thinking of it, that was the break-up that didn’t hurt me that much–in a good way. maybe because the situation was right(?) but the timing was not and we know in ourselves what we want that time(?) but then again as I always say, things happen for a reason. that was not a bad relationship after all.

oh, and the third one–the shortest but, how do I describe it(?), hmm, the relationship that shattered me into pieces, the most painful of all the relationships I had. it took me five years, FIVE LONG YEARS, for me to move on and forget all the the things that happened. because maybe I expected more in that relationship even though I knew that it was all a mistake. I was so stupid, I thought, but what do you expect? I fell on the trap, no, I fell much deeper than that. (I hope my boyfriend won’t read this. lol. but he already knew this. he knew everything) I even wrote him a letter here. oh my gosh, then I remember Hawk Davies, either you have the feeling or you don’t, I am sure I have all the feelings back then, but to him it was nothing.

we knew each other since high school but he only asked me out when we were in college. I don’t even know what happened or how it happened, things happened so fast that I didn’t had time to keep up. I liked him before, and I liked him even more when we started dating and became a couple. I was happy. I thought that I will be happy but that’s not the case. the time we spent together was year long but our relationship only lasted for almost a week.

after that I think I had a trust issue, or maybe I had it long before my first heartbreak. I didn’t even dated anyone for a long time that all of my friends teased me that if I ever date someone it will only last for only a week or a month. I got used to it that I even joke that I will never have a boyfriend anymore.

not until I met my current boyfriend (another blog entry will do? :D)

that’s the story behind my three-month curse. maybe it was a typical relationship break-up and I know that I have still more to learn but these experiences made me stronger than ever. I knew myself better now and I think I met these people for that reason and somehow thankful for it.

I remember a line from the movie “One More Chance”, i’ll just leave it here:

Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang nagsabi sa akin na kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas okay, na mas mamahalin tayo. Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin. Yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin, ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo.

UPDATE: Oh no, Oh no. Time to meet the parentals (!!!!!)

So here’s a little update on what happened last night.

It was 5:30pm when the boyfriend messaged me that they were on their way to our place. My initial reaction was to panic because my sister left me alone with my little brother without any notice, and I had no freaking idea what to do. She knew that my boyfriend’s mother was coming but still left me. I was pissed off a little at her. My sister and I planned to cook for dinner and I asked her if she can cook (I am not good at cooking, sorry. XD) but then, like what I said, she left without saying a word. So I messaged my boyfriend again to ask what should I do. He replied saying that they brought the food and need not to worry. So I was relieved.

My boyfriend arrived first because he has his own motorcycle, and after a few minutes, they all arrived: his mother and sister with her husband and daughter. So I welcomed them, smile here and there, fighting the nerves that has been building up since that morning. But I think it wasn’t awkward at all. :—-)

I was too shy to talk so I let them sit comfortably first. Thanks to my boyfie, he’s the one who served the juice because I was still panicking inside though I was smiling and trying to talk to them. Thankfully, they started the conversation, asking me if it was just the three of us (my siblings) who stayed in our place. I said yes because my mother stayed in their staff house, and just go home once or twice a week. After that, the conversation went smoothly. (*sigh* of relief)

While waiting for my mother to arrive, we talked about so many things like our place was too far, and if I continue my studies here it will be a long travel for me to go to the university, etcetera etcetera. My nervousness slowly fade away and I became more comfortable talking to her, and I think it was so nice. (OK, I know whatever I said in my last post was all in my mind.)

It was past 7pm when my mother got home. She said she was stuck in a heavy traffic and it was raining so hard. So they hugged each other and all smiles and all, talk a little, as if they were not chatting with each other *eye rolls*, before we have our dinner.

The night went well, and the topic was not mentioned (I AM SO HAPPY! HAHAHAHAHA!) I know this post should be about that. And yes — GOOD NEWS, it didn’t came up in their conversation and I am relieved. Honestly, I don’t know what will be my reaction if that happens. It was past 8pm when they bid goodbye with a smile on their faces and telling us that they will visit again soon if there’s time. 😀

 

 

To love or to be loved(?)

I had been in a few relationships (two to be exact which didn’t last for long, two months top) but right now, I am in a 1 year and 7 months relationship with my boyfriend (I must say he’s good at keeping me lol) so I am getting questions on how I made it to a year-long with him (though I know it is not that very long and we have a long loooong way to go to know each other pretty well) so the question: is it better to love or to be loved?

My grandma always tell me that I should find a guy who will give his whole heart to me, who will love me despite of all my imperfections and bad qualities. I remember everytime my suitor will visit me at home (okay my family’s too old school but I am glad I was raise that way), my grandma will always stay in the living room with us, unaware and awkward, she will talk about senseless things about me being lazy and all I want to do in life is to sleep and eat and if ever I will find the guy for me, she will pity him because of knowing me like I am sort of a heavy baggage.

Giving love to someone, for me, is easy. Not exactly love, but admiration or honoring him/her. You can learn to love someone with his/her personality, be it romantic or brotherly or love for friends or love for your family, you can learn to love them. There’s a lot of reasons to love. But on the other hand, you can’t control over other feelings. You can’t make a person fall in love with you in an instant. You can’t choose someone to ask them to love you nor make them want you. It is just like pleasing other people. You can’t please everyone, right?

Is love pertains to the efforts given to the other person? Or the assurance to have that one person to spend our whole life with? Or love as a responsibility?

I love my boyfriend but I feel that my boyfriend loves me more, and I am grateful to have him. I honestly don’t have a crush on him when we first met but with his efforts to show how he loves and respects me and how I am important to him pulled a heartstring on me.

To be loved by someone who you love feels so much better than just receiving love from a person and same goes to being in love with a person who doesn’t love you back. But it really doesn’t matter, does it? It is not about who you love or who loves more or giving back the love that we received or not asking for it but this simple question only makes me realise that we are all capable to love whether it is only one-sided or on equal measures and it really makes sense. ❤

What do you think? I would love to read your thoughts!

First song

🎶 PLEASE SAY SOMETHING, EVEN THOUGH IT’S A LIE – PARK BORAM 🎶

i hate you

***

This song is from the korean drama series W – two worlds, of course Lee Jong Suk (my bb <3) and Han Hyo Joo as the lead cast. Definitely one of my favorites!!!! I hope Lee Jong Suk will never have a girlfriend. Hahahaha! XD

PS: I ALSO WANT NUMBER 4! (if you already watched W, you know what I mean. ❤ LOL.)

Of love letters & whatnot

Looking back when I received my ever first love letter, mind you it was given to me by one of my teachers, surprisingly opened the door without knocking, in the middle of a lecture, asking if I am in the class, flushed as I may seemed, and naively knew nothing about what’s happening that time, not knowing that it will also be my ever first heartbreak.

Sophomore year – hormone-raging, going out after class, holding hands and kiss in between breaks, nothing more special when you first experience all of these. Thinking how it all started, makes me remember all the bittersweet remnants of my ever first relationship.

Being loud and outgoing, as I attended a private school, I was familiar with every faces in my year. High school was pretty extraordinary experience for me. Until one day, it was the day before my summer break, someone asked me, through a written note, what my phone number was. My guy friends, being overly protective over me, was the one who gave a reply to the note, saying that I lost my phone and he can’t get my number. I thought that it will be my last encounter with the anonymous guy but I was wrong.

It was the day of finishing all of my requirements and signing of clearance, which was tiring because of the hide-and-seek that all the teachers had mastered playing, then I bumped onto him, not knowing that he was the one who sent me the note.

At first, I was hesitant to talk to him because I had an impression of him, not because I was interested but my classmates went all crazy, having crush on him. He’s one year ahead of me (so he’s in his junior year) and was kinda popular because he was part of the varsity team. I heard rumors about him being a chic-magnet, and kinda jerk. But, he kept on asking what’s my name and even told me that the first time he laid his eyes on me was when he watched our performance on our recognition day (that was the day before summer break). Aware of his tactics as my friends warned me about him, all the chitchats and stories made-up, he continued with all the sweetened words and the eagerness to get my number that time, still I didn’t gave him the pleasure of having my number.

Summer came, and I received an unknown text, wondering who might it be. I replied, asking who he/she was and where he/she got my number. After a long thread of avoiding my who’s and how’s and fooling playing around, he introduced himself. I had a feeling that it was him and I was right but curious on how he got my number. Since then, he started texting every now and then, sending morning texts, calling me at times, asking how my day was and asking some personal questions that I intended not to answer in the open. He put up a great interest on me the whole summer that all the thoughts of him being an ass, a jerk, a chic-magnet suddenly vanished away. I am not sure how or when I find him comfortable to talk to with, and all of a sudden, here I am, fond of him and letting myself latch on every words that he’s telling me, capturing my naive and fragile heart. That was the time I felt that I was pretty, that I also have it on myself, that I can be someone’s girlfriend, that I can be more than a normal girl living with her fictional crushes and sealed-up fantasies.

So, the classes resumed and I was feeling nervous, not because I was in my third year, but the idea of seeing him in the corridors. My heart’s thumping louder, beating faster than usual, thinking how will I act in front of him face to face. Until in the middle of June, it was our recess, I went to the canteen to buy something to eat and when I came back to my room, there he was standing at the front door, waiting for me. I was kinda embarrased that time, saw my mates looking at us, without knowing that something’s happening. They were not aware that we were texting each other the whole summer and I was shock when he asked me, right in that moment, standing at the front door, if I can be his girlfriend. And unconsciously, I said yes.

I know that it was the pressure that pushed me to say yes to him but at some point, I was already attracted to him. That time, I have no idea of how relationship works but I tried to be someone’s girlfriend. All I felt in those first few weeks was pure happiness, that’s because it was my first. I grew more of him, one month has passed, and still it was okay. It was hard for me to go on dates that time because I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. He knew that, so we kept our relationship in secret. And with that, I knew it was wrong all along.

I knew that my decision of saying yes to him bothered me at first but I put it at the back of my mind and not considering all the what ifs and what’s gonna happen. Maybe another reason was the pressure I felt when he asked me that time. I don’t know what to do and the idea of him being rejected in front of my mates also concerned me. And that’s why I knew I put myself in my own misery, my ever first heartbreak. I knew all along that I was not ready for it but still situated myself on a very hard situation, adding all the lies I kept from home. I knew that it will not stay longer. I oversee it. I put aside all the warnings and all the signs that led to a wrong spot.

I was cheated on.

He cheated on me. With a lower year. A Sophomore.

I was wrecked. Devastated. It crushed me into pieces. My ever first heartbreak.

Funny thing was, the girl who caught the attention of my exboyfriend, was an acquaintance of mine. I talked to her over chat at times. I remembered her asking how my relationship was going and I, not knowing that she’s seeing my ex-boyfriend secretly behind my back, replied that it was okay. I caught him talking to her sometimes but the idea’s not coming to me. Obliviously thought that they were just friends. And that’s why I broke up with him.

Our relationship lasted for two months and twenty-two days – my ever first heartbreak. The letters and notes that I got from him were still with me, a reminder of how my heart was shattered into pieces and my bittersweet connection with him. I never regret it because it has opened my mind to think of every decision that I will make in the future – life-wise or relationship-wise.

***

Ha! The book Why We Broke Up is to blame for this long post of gushing words of reminiscing. I just remembered collecting letters and notes. I always love reading written notes and because we are now in the era where we can send messages over texts and videos, letters will always be precious to me.

Do you have any break-up stories to share? Let me know and have a little chitchat about it. Hahahaha. 😀