note to self

i know that you have so much regrets in the past, and that you can’t go back in time to change any of it. but i just want to say that it’s okay, you are still okay and you’ll be okay. but

i wished you were strong enough that time, strong enough to make your own decisions and not get easily swayed with a single word; that you had the gut to say whatever it is in your heart, whether if it’s right or wrong. i know it has been hard for you to keep all those words to yourself and all those misunderstandings and shortcomings. now, i am saying this to you: don’t be afraid of what others might think or say about you. it’s more important to open yourself up, say what you really want to say, may it be an opinion or an argument and even if others might don’t understand you, at least you have said what you really wanted to say.

i wished you got to experience life more, though there’s more. i know you wanted to please everyone around you before, that’s why you acted upon their approval and forgot to let yourself to had fun. i know it was your choice too but what i am trying to say is, i wished you go out more with your friends, had your sleepover and movie nights. i know you always say no because you always think of what your family would say. you don’t want them to be disappointed, that you only think of was their expectations. but you see, i think what you did was so selfish. you were being selfish on yourself. you never let yourself to live life and you focus more on other’s opinion, but the truth is, you forgot to have your own opinion on yourself. now, i am saying this to you: YOLO: you only live once so make the most out of life. you don’t want to regret all the things that you should have done so start now.

maybe you think that it was too late but it’s not. you have more time in your hands. you are still young, and there’s more adventures and trials yet to come along your way but you’ll be fine, i promise and i believe in you. you just need to open your eyes in all possibilities and just do what makes you happy. also, don’t expect too much — on life in general.

you deserve to live a happy life!

I once had a best friend (and other stories)

I am very jealous, envious rather, when I see my sister and her best friend. I am very opened to them on how I wished to have that kind of friendship but never had a chance or I had a chance but didn’t get a hold of it for a very long time. My sister and her best friend had known each other for eight long years. Would you imagine that? And until now, though Pinky, her best friend’s name, moved to Mindoro and decided to live there for two years after living with us for a long time. I think this will be the first time that those two would be separated from each other.

They are very close up to the point where they share almost everything — clothes, foods, house, (and even boyfriend. Lol — but it is true. Her boyfriend is everyone’s boyfriend. Not that he’s sleeping with everyone, but he acts as a boyfriend to all of us since we already knew each other personally and we lived in the same roof whenever they wanted and I think that’s cute and sweet.) plus she’s cool with that.

I once had a best friend. I met her in second grade, we were in the same class. I remember she’s alone and since our surname starts with letter M, we were in the same line in the seat plan and became close since then. But in our third grade, I transferred school and I felt sad that time because I wasn’t going to see her if I transferred school. I moved to a public school because I think we were financially challenged that time and my mother was working abroad that time, that was the time I experienced to be bullied since I came from a private school. After the bullying incident, and when my grandmother knew about it because my grades went down from the line of 9’s to 7’s, she decided to transfer me back to the private school that I enrolled before and I remember being happy that time; not because I will be free from those kids who bullied me, but I will be able to see my friend again.

Luckily, I was in the same class with my friend J and since then, we became best friends. We graduated, and went to high school together. Soon we entered high school, our friendship started to fade out. Since grade school, we have the same class together. We have the same circle of friends, but when we set foot as a high school-er, things became different. We were no longer in the same class. We met different people and created new circle of friends. We were still close but not that close compared when we were in grade school. That made me sad. Until we graduated high school, little did we notice that our friendship faded out and we didn’t know how it happened.

I had another best friend, but this time it was a boy best friend. I met him in my junior year and through a mutual friend. I never thought that I will be close to him. At first, it was awkward because I felt unsure if he really wanted friendship or more than that. I was not wrong, he attempted to ask me to be his girlfriend but I said no. I reasoned out that I find him comfortable, that I don’t want to lose him, that he’s the only person that time that I trusted the most. And since that confession, we somehow lost our communication. Maybe to find what we really wanted or maybe he was hurt from what I said. But not too long, he talked to me again and said that he was cool being only my best friend. Up until now, we’re still best friends, but we don’t talk that often because of our personal relationships. My boyfriend and her girlfriend were the jealous type, and I totally understand it. What’s important to me is I get to talk to him when I have my problems and same with him.

But, what do you think about that? Being not able to talk casually with your guy best friend (if you were a girl) just because of the girlfriend? This is my say about it: before you had your girl, you knew me first right? So why not talk to me AND YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND FOR GOOD’S SAKE? Where were you when I needed someone to talk to? And to the jealous-type girlfriends of my best friend: It’s not like I’ll snatch him away from you. *eye rolls* HAHAHAHA!

 Am I being selfish here? LOL.

Uhhhh. But now, I am good having my boyfriend as my “best friend”, though he’s not acting like one. LOL. But I am contented having him as my confidante, my endorphin and my breather. ❤

But I’m going to leave this here: So how do we consider someone as a best friend, really? Is it about the time you’ve known each other or even though you just met that person in a short time, the connection was enough? I really want to read your thoughts. 🙂

an anecdote of a girl who never played her dolls

Though I have no vivid images of how my childhood was, I somehow remember some experiences that I had. And like any other kids, I remember having toys and dolls but the difference is, I wasn’t able to play my dolls.

I remember having so many dolls: Barbie? You name it. I have a complete set with houses, wardrobes, and pets. Not just barbies, I also have a life-size kitchen set for kids. Most of it was given to me as a gift on my birthdays & Christmas and the rest was bought by my grandmother. But, I never played them.

I don’t remember who put it in a nice clear plastic and displayed it. The boxes were never opened. But I remember what my grandmother said when I asked if I can play with my dolls: baka masira lang, pag laki mo na. (it might just break, you can play it when you grow up) and since I was just a kid that time, I agreed. Years passed, I never able to play with it until I get in high school. I don’t remember what happened to my dolls, maybe my mother gave it to my cousins I don’t know, and just like that, it disappeared before my eyes.

I said to myself that if ever I will have a daughter, I will buy her dolls and let her play with it whenever she wants. I always wanted to play dolls — like braiding the hair, change her from gowns to dresses, and ofc play my dolls with a friend. I want my daughter to experience what I haven’t. I don’t want her to live like me; no clear images of how my childhood was. I want her to remember every single day of her childhood. I want her to make good memories even if she’s still a kid.

If ever there’s a room with a time machine, I will go back to when I asked my grandmother if I can play with my dolls, and even if she didn’t allow me to play with it, I will sneak out of my room and get my doll from the display and play with it. 😀

PS: I remember playing paper dolls but a real barbie doll was better, right? Hahahaha.

when we’re talking about MY books

I consider my books as my little treasures. That’s why I am so keen when somebody wants to borrow it or even just look at it. And after an incident when a friend borrowed one of my (favorite) books and never returned it, I made this set of rules when somebody wants to borrow my book.

FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU SHOULD AVAIL MY LIBRARY CARD. LOLjk. If I just can make one, I will. Seriously. Hahaha. Here’s my rules:

  1. You have a maximum of (2) weeks when you want to borrow a book of mine. If you exceeds in my given time, FRIENDSHIP OVER (lol) no, I will make your phone burst with texts and calls until you return my book.
  2. I don’t want any folds and scratch in my book. If I see any scratch or fold, YOU WILL PAY A FINE OF 100 PESOS PER SCRATCH/FOLD (lol) no, but please, I beg of you, I don’t want any folds or any kind of scratch in my book. Use a cute bookmark, then donate it to me when you return my book.
  3. NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER in your whole existence to let others borrow my book without letting me know first, I’LL DEFINITELY CURSE YOUR FATHER IF YOU DO THAT. >:D
  4. PLS TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE COVER AND THE SPINE OF MY BOOK.

I can lend you a book but make sure to abide with my rules. 😀

PS: I AM NOT JOKING WITH THE RULES! ;–)

my love for notebooks and (cute)pens

Whenever I go to bookstores, even if I just go there to look for a good book and not planning to buy anything at all or even if I just saw a bookstore or any stationery stores, my feet will automatically walk towards the entrance and end up buying a notebook or a pen. It is kind of habit, I guess.

I have many notebooks that are kept to collect dust in my bookshelf. Some of it have writings, and some are not used. I just love to collect notebooks and pens. I always have this battle in my head where I buy this cute little notebook and when I was about to write something on it, my hands stiffened like it doesn’t want to wreck that cute little notebook and just display it on my shelf. Weird, right?

And so for my pens, I have this little pouch (not pencil-case, it is too small for my collection) where I hide all my pens — I have ball points, g-techs, markers, pens with different colors of ink, and many more. And I always have pens in my bags. I don’t want anyone to use my pens. I am selfish when it comes to my things. Another thing is, when I am at the bookstore, I always go where the pens are displayed and me being overly obsessed with pens, I always try and test all different kinds of pens just to satisfy my obsessions. =)) and I think that’s beautiful. (LOL)

I am thinking to continue writing on my journal. I stopped for a while and I don’t know why but right now, I am inspired to do the bullet journal thing. I am not that organised with things but we’ll see.

Do you have any weird obsession/s or weird fetishes (lol)? 😀

this blog doesn’t exist outside the blogosphere and here’s why:

As much as possible I keep this blog’s existence unknown to the people I know which includes (1) my family and (2) some of the closest friends because the very reason why I made this little space in the internet is to get away from their eyes.

I re-activated my Facebook just for them so that they know that I am still alive and breathing but I am not much active there (because my feed is full of sh*ts and toxic people & the negativity is sort of contagious, and I am keeping myself away from that bacause I have enough of those) and so in Instagram. I rarely post any photos of mine because (1) my iPhone’s broken, not that I can’t use the camera of it but (2) I lost interest on posting any photos of mine. I felt like I am telling the whole world that I am happy and smiling on the outside and have no problem at all but in reality it is the opposite.

I just wanted a space for me to write all my thoughts without being judge by those eyes. You know that feeling right? I am not hiding nor being safe here. I am the kind of person who’s not comfortable talking to a relative or even if you are my best friend. Coming from an experience where I am trying to be open to them and instead of expecting them to console me or understand me, they put me to blame and from then, I started keeping it to myself.

And luckily found this little space. Here I don’t feel alone, no one’s judging me and my words and most of all, I am learning from other’s experiences. I crave for those consolations and understandings before but thanks to this, I dont need it anymore.

 

Look who’s nominated? XD

Another first! So touched, even though I am still an alien here in wordpress community I got to know some awesoooome people here, and the lovely Maggie who nominated me for this, thanks!!♡

I am kinda excited to answer all the questions. (I remember answering an autograph book when I was in grade school. Hahaha! Quite similar to this. :—)) Okay, nuff said.

t h e  r u l e s

  1. Acknowledge the blog who nominated you and display award;
  2. Answer 11 questions the blogger gives you;
  3. Give 11 random facts about yourself;
  4. Nominate 11 blogs and notify them of the nomination;
  5. Give them 11 questions to answer

q u e s t i o n s  f r o m Maggie

  1. Have you ever have pets? Yup, I have two dogs, Pulgaso and Bondat, they are homeless when I got them from the street and took them home. And now, they are my babies. Btw, I think my Bondat is pregnant. I am so excited for the new pups. 🐶
  2. What is your favorite dish? I love Adobo and Sinigang and Kare-Kare. I think my love for food is undeniably stronger than my love for my boyfriend (lol) because FOOD IS LIFE! I eat whatever in the table (except anything with ketchup and blood soups) 🍕🍔🍝🍗🍟
  3. What do you think about being a vegan? I tried my best to become one, but the thought of having no meat in my meal feels like I am just eating a small portion of a whole meal. ✌
  4. What is your best blog post so far? If the most viewed post can be consider as the best blog post, it will be this. :—)
  5. If you can be one of the fictional characters, who will you be? I would be Ariel, the little mermaid. I love being on water. It calms me and it feels like home for me. Though I am not that good as a swimmer, I just want to feel the water on me and just float, without having any thoughts on mind. (If swimmers have back strokes, breast strokes and butterfly stroke, I have my very own play dead position <where you pretend a dead person floating in the pool hahaha>)
  6. Do you watch sports?  No, I sucks at sports. I remember in my junior year, I have to hit a ball (for my soft ball class) but all I did was to scream. Meh.
  7. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas Day. LOTS. OF. FOODS. and also, gift-giving.
  8. What is the happiest time at school? When there’s no teacher, me and my friends gathered at the back of the room to jam as we kill time. I think the whole High School experience was my happiest time at school.
  9. If real life is like anime, what kind of hairstyle and eye colors you want to have? I want my hair color to be pink and pixie-cut, and have an aqua blue eyes. Can’t imagine that though. Hahaha!
  10. If you have to time travel, do you want to go to future or the past? The past. I had so many regrets and things that I think I could do that time. I wanted to say all the things that I felt, and not remained silent, that time when I had a chance. I want to stand up on my own, without contemplating if its right or wrong. I just want to be myself and do what I wanted to do when I lost that chance.
  11. One random fact about yourself, please. 😉 I don’t want pineapples on my pizza. 😳

r a n d o m  f a c t s  a b o u t  m e

I think I made a blog post last week about myself (some sort of a late intro) you can check it here. :–)

i  n o m i n a t e : (these people are the one who I first get to know when I moved here in WP. Also, they are the awesome people that I mentioned above ♡ and if you’re not on the list, know that you are awesome too because I followed you. ;D)

life of an introvert // ruminate // method to my melody // renxkyoko’s space // the katalogue // biritsu

h e r e ‘ s  m y  (random) q u e s t i o n s

  1. What’s your favorite number and why?
  2. What would you prefer? Hotdogs or Cheesedogs?
  3. Name your favorite movie and why?
  4. Describe yourself in 10 words.
  5. Do you hate cockcroach?
  6. What is Pi?
  7. If you were in a beauty contest, how will you answer the question: What is Beauty?
  8. If you are given a chance to change your name, what is it?
  9. Tell us your favourite quote.
  10. Do you prefer coffee or tea?
  11. If you are given a chance to travel the world, what will be the first country that you’ll visit and why?

A xx