The truth is:

I can’t find the right words to describe how my life lately. I tried to suppress all my feelings – the unwanted one, which make me feel down and cynical but it has no use. It has always been rapidly flowing right through my veins and little by little, it drowned me with thoughts that keeping me awake at 3 a.m. while eating a part of me like a starving monster.

I am quite sure that I am not okay. I am trying to be okay and I am thinking that I’ll be okay but do you know the feeling when you keep on saying such things about being okay and convincing yourself that you are okay and you are happy but in reality you are not and you just want to forget all the things that are bothering you but you are only getting worse every time you do it and doesn’t make sense at all.

I tried so hard to push away all the thoughts that keep on making me depressed and all but I just can’t. It feels like I am just fooling with myself. And when I tried to talk to people, I got tongue-tied. It’s automatic, like a defense mechanism, that if I say one wrong word it will just worsen the situation.

I am trying to get hold of what matters to me right now and still convincing myself that soon everything will be back to its own pace just like in the past and perhaps my old self will be back too.

I know that I always say things like “I will be okay in no time.” and “Everything will be okay.” but nothing’s happening. I know that it is my fault too that I am like this and It came to my senses that nothing will happen if I will just remain sad and depressed and listless. I need to get my act straight and focus to what I want to achieve: Happiness.

Happiness in all things; this is only what I want. 

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