I am the worst friend

And I can’t deny it. 

I remember my friends asking me to hang out with them but always end up having a lot of reasons like I have something else to do or my lola did not allow me to go out. The latter was true because sometimes, I mean all the time, my lola was not allowing me to go out even though they all knew who are my friends are. They always insist that my friends should be the one to go in my house if they want to hang out. That is just weird, right? Hahaha. Maybe because they were just too conservative. But I’m telling you it is true.

I remember when I entered college, they still didn’t allow me to sleep over a friend’s house not unless it’s school work. They were also so strict when it comes to what time should I go home. It has always been SCHOOL-HOME-SCHOOL for me since high school. And because of that, it affected my social life. Every time my friends go out for mall or watch some movies I always end up saying no to them even though I wanted to. Sometimes I go without their permission but end up with their non-stop homily when I got home.

But I did not have any bad feelings about it because I know that they were only concern especially I was living in Manila that time (Btw, I’m currently living here in Pampanga). But in the eyes of my friends, I will always be that one friend who is KJ (kill-joy).

Aside from being the KJ in the group, I remember in high school that I don’t even have many ‘girl’ friends. I am one of the boys. I sucks at making a conversation with girls. I don’t know why but I feel like in some time they are going to backstab me, some sort like that comes to mind. But I have a few real girl friends in my circle. But I just prefer being with boys. 

In college, I tried to make friends with girls again and I succeeded but I feel something off. I trust them and they trust me but the closeness is not that just strong but I always consider them as one of my closest circle for me. I’m closest with my gay friend. I don’t know why but I am more comfortable with him. 

Now that we are taking different paths and we don’t talk that much or see each other a lot but I still feel their presence. Do you know that feeling? That even you are not seeing each other, you still find them more comforting. You will always know that they are always there for you no matter what. 

To my real friends, 

I am so sorry for being the worst friend. If you only knew how hard I tried to ask lola that I wanted to come with you guys that time, it was just so hard to start a fight with them. Hahaha! If I could just teleport that time to be with you in our lakads, you know I’ll do everything. But you just can’t have a fight with the lola and you already know that guys.

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