As I write this post, I probably not know what am I thinking writing — at all. Have you ever feel this feeling where you just need the urge to write out what you feel, as in all the feelings that you are keeping that somehow will burst out any moment now if you keep on hiding it to yourself? That is what I am feeling right now. And I don’t know what’s this feeling anymore.
Let me tell you something about myself: I am the type of person who keeps on saying yes eventhough my head says no. I am the type of person who is willing to wait, even for hours, when you tell me to. I am the type of person who has enough patience to deal with bullshits (sorry for the word) everyday. And I think that me is slowly disappearing now.
I haven’t been with someone whose personality is opposite with mine. At first, I am getting used to the differences because it is unusual for me to deal with but as time passes by, it started getting into my nerves and annoys the living hell out of me. I don’t know how to react or to manage those feelings because in my 21 years of being a selfish human being, I don’t give a single damn about how people feels. My world revolves only in my world and I don’t care how you decide on your life unless it affects mine.
But that changes when I met him.
I started considering what he likes. I started to hear his rants. I also interferes in his decision-making. And in the same way, he made massive changes in me. He makes me do what I don’t usually do, makes me eat something I don’t like. We argue—a lot, because we have different views about a thing. Sometimes we can work things out after the mess we made, sometimes we don’t. I am thinking that this guy brings out the worst in me even though I am already at my worst. And sometimes, in the middle of the night, I asked myself, “Can I still cope with this? With him?”,”Can I still do it?” and in silent prayers I say, “I hope I still can.”
I am trying so hard to keep up in this relationship because I wanted it to last. I wanted it to be my last. I wanted him to be my last. And with me being me, it is very hard for me to cope up and thinks of how he feels about me. Sometimes I just wanted to give up and set him free because I know I only make it more difficult for the both of us but my head says no. No because I have him. He is my best. I am his worst. I hope that if I can’t cope up with this anymore, may he have the strength to put the shattered pieces back into its right place.